But then again…Who am I, to heal the Narcissist?

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I guess it’s time to write this post. The title was the last line of an email I recently wrote to a friend. She responded by saying it sounded like the title to a blog post. And so, being the big believer in signs, and messages, and such, that I am…here it is. The post I’ve been terrified to write, but didn’t know it.

I didn’t know that I was afraid to write this post, until today. Oh sure, I knew that I was afraid to share my true thoughts on certain things, for fear of the inevitable judgment and ridicule that I could possibly face, because of it. But I didn’t realize exactly how truly terrified I was, until now. Until my fingers are shaking on the keys, as I try to type this out.

I have no idea why…it’s not like so many people read my blog anyway. It’s not like anything I write really matters, right?

Today, I had some pretty damn life-altering epiphanies. Like the kind that rock your world, and afterwards, well… you know that you, and your life, will never be the same. What kind of epiphanies are we talking here? Hmm, well, for starters, I’d say they were the kind that motivated me to write the following text to my narcissist husband:

“I’m so sick and tired of your self-sabotaging behavior, sabotaging MY LIFE, TOO! From now on, you fuck up your own life…NOT MINE! I’m tired of trying to save a man, who just wants to drown. [I’ll be damned if you take me down with you!]

I love you, but I do NOT have to let you destroy me, in order to prove it! And I’m NOT going to. I’ve allowed far more than enough misery into my life, and into the lives of my children, already. From now on, you get NO REACTIONS from me. You get NOTHING!. You hear me?

You want my love? My attention? My affection? My kindness and my caring? Then you’ll have to figure out how to be a MAN who is WORTHY of that. You truly want to heal, and get better?! Then YOU will have to be the proactive one. YOU will have to ask for it. I’m not chasing you anymore. [You can go to Hell, if you want…but you’re going alone!]

And if you fuck with me again… If you try to pull some nasty shit, to try to hurt me, I will  drop you so fast your head will spin. [and we both know YOU need ME, not the other way around, so DO NOT test me.] I do NOT deserve to be mistreated. I deserve a husband who LOVES me, and CHERISHES me, and PROTECTS me… NOT some angry child who has to beat** at me to get his kicks.

It’s high time I started respecting myself, and loving myself, enough to not let you do this shit to me. Obviously you do NOT care enough about me, or have the ability to love me enough, to do better by me on your own. So, I WILL DO BETTER BY ME. End of story.

(** not physically beat at me…not that that makes it any better)

So yeah, there was that…don’t know where that came from, but… hey- I’m glad it came.

Another epiphany: My life situation was inevitable. Given that I had enough exposure to narcissistic and borderline personalities, growing up….well, is it any wonder that I fell in love with the man I did? And, I’ve come to realize that there is a reason that I’ve resisted being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder… a diagnosis I’ve had pushed on me since I was probably 16, or so? I never bought into it though. I knew that diagnosis was wrong. Couldn’t tell you how, at the time, but I just had a “knowing”…and that was good enough for me. Though, it was a pretty handy label, for all the people around me, to use when they wanted to try to bully me into doing something that I felt was not right. “It’s your bipolar. You aren’t capable of making good choices.”

Did no one think to question whether my erratic behavior was, JUST MAYBE, due to being in one abusive situation after another? Don’t people tend to act kinda crazy, when they’re being “crazy-made”? Wouldn’t a normal person become quite depressed, as a result of having consistent love constantly withheld from them? OF COURSE!

But…apparently not me. I’m the exception to the rule. My teenage angst, and experimentation, had to be the product of my bipolar disorder, right? It couldn’t have been the result of trauma, or anything? I’m not flesh and bone human being enough to be traumatized….I must be bipolar.

What a bunch of fucking shit.

Now, I’m not saying I’m totally healthy-minded, and normal. I’ve got bats in my belfry, I’m sure…but they aren’t bipolar bats- that’s all I’m saying. As a matter-of-fact, I wonder if it’s possible for someone to develop more than one personality disorder, yet still be a compassionate, and empathetic person? Is that crazy? Anyway- that’s a whole other can of worms.

Back to today-

I’m driving in my van- on my way to get some Oreo McFlurry, because… YUM! (I even had my box of waffle cones in the car, just waiting for the ice-cream transfer. Dear God, SO DELICIOUS!)… and it hits me… all of a sudden, every question I’ve ever had about myself was answered… I UNDERSTOOD MYSELF.

Mind= Blown.

This thing…it was so deep… and, in my core, I knew I had tripped over something so fundamental about myself.

I’m not yet ready to write about it just yet, but I can say this… All at once, I understood that I was all things that I struggled with, in this life, and yet, I was also none of those things. I was opposite them…and embodied them.

I am an impossibility.

Do I sound like a narcissist yet? Good. I probably am one….then again, probably not.

What I am…. HA! I have no words…I have all the words…

I looked at the clock, on my super-awesome mini-van, and do you know what time it was? Do you? Do you??

11:14

Do you know the significance of this? It is the time of the releasing of my inner demons… (I read once there was reference to this in the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose), but in any case…

What does all this mean? What the hell am I talking about?

What I’m trying to say is this…. I know WHY I am here. On Earth, that is…

I know WHY I was given to the family I was…..

WHY I was abused the way I was, and in the repeated nature that I was

Why I married the men I did…

I’ve known, since I was a child, that I was a healer. I’ve been healing my whole life, really…. and when I put that together with all the experiences that I’ve had, in my life…. only one conclusion is possible.

I AM here to heal…

But not just anyone…not just anything...My unique combination of upbringing, experience, personality, awareness, and current situation, could mean only thing…and that one thing became strikingly clear to me today…. and, I’ve dabbled in this thought process, for quite some time, but never truly had the courage to commit.

Until now…

Today, in one moment of unbelievable clarity, coupled with the words of a friend, in an email, about “rushing in when all others would be rushing out”…I knew I was ready to do this. To fully commit to my mission, here, on this planet: To find a way to heal the narcissist, or to die trying…

…and you may ask…”Who are you, to heal the narcissist?”

To which I respond… Who am I, NOT to?

Hi. I’m Story Lynne, (a.k.a. The Narcissist’s Wife). Nice to meet you. I’m the mother of 4 amazing kids, the (soon-to-be-ex) wife of a narcissist, and the author of this blog. I’m also a teacher, a healer, an intuitive empath, and Angel Card Reader.
I love fairies, angels, the color pink, anything sparkly, and Legos. (the Elves are my absolute favorites). I also love fixing cars, building shit, and shooting my bow (as in, bow and arrow).

4 Comments

  • Wow! Uhh… I don’t know how to respond to this post other than to say honestly for me as I was reading it, there were parts where i.e., picture us as professional car racers and we’re racing along side each other going head to head in total support of one another. I’m cheering you on, you’re cheering me on and were both driving at the same speed, heading for the finish line. Heck, we don’t care who wins because we’re friends right?
    Anyway, you decide to speed up and I’m all good with that because I trust and support you no matter what. So I speed up to catch up with you. Things seem alright and were supporting each other, or I thought. So finally as we’re approaching the last turn, still neck and neck, you decide to do a 180 and speed up, leaving me in the dust. Choosing to cross the finish line at a speed so fast that its hard for you to control and cross the finish line safely. Regardless of any damage you do to your engine or the body of your vehicle. Not only that, leaving in the dust a friend that was rooting for you anyway. I just chose not to cross the finish line at the same rate or use the method of crossing that line that you chose.

    I’d always be looking out for your best interest because that’s what type of friend that I am. I’ve just got to learn that just because I’m kind, good hearted and willing to let a friend win the race, that she wouldn’t be willing to do it for me.

    This analogy is very much in relation to going back to an abusive marriage (because that’s what it is) it’s like being a glutten for punishment. They treat us like shit and we keep going back for more UNTIL we fucking wake up and realize that THIS IS NOT HEALTHY! We keep attracting these men because our brains are unhealthy and until we realize that, we won’t be able to fix “him”. Let alone fix ourselves.

    • Oh wow…honey. I’m not sure how to respond to your comment!
      I’m not sure I understand the racing analogy. Or the part where I wouldn’t be willing to let you win the race? I’m not getting what you believe we are racing toward? … or competing for? I’m so sorry…but I’m totally lost.

      Whatever the issue, I’m sorry you’re hurting because of it.

      I know that my marriage is abusive. I’m not sure if you were concerned that perhaps I thought otherwise…but I’ve recently been learning so much and going through some MAJOR changes, and shifts in my consciousness, to where being here, with my husband, affects me less and less, with every day that goes by.

      I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that…. I see myself as a human guinea pig. I understand the depth of pain that narcissists can cause. The damage. The destruction. My goal has always been to help find a way to spare as many other women from having to experience that pain. Whether it be not getting involved in the first place, surviving safely while with a narcissist, or planning a safe escape…. I’ve been using myself to test different ideas, concepts, beliefs, methods, tricks, etc. so I know what works, and what doesn’t…well, at least for me, anyway…and then I feel that puts me in a better position to help out others. If that makes any sense.

      I’ve been learning so much. And it’s all happened so fast.It’s like the information I need is just somehow being downloaded directly into my brain, and I suddenly know what to try and how to approach it. It’s really amazing, and I feel like I’m making so much progress, and gaining some truly valuable wisdom that could help so many women….

      I assure you, though, if I were still in the place where every single thing my husband did still triggered me, I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing.

      But, at this point, my husband literally pulls his garbage with me, and I am able to laugh at his antics, and I can just tell him that I love him, and that I’m sorry he is in pain and has no clue what to do with it.

      I’m not sure what I’ve done to make you feel as though I’m not supportive of you, but I hope I’ve explained myself , and my purpose, a little better so that you feel better. I have nothing but love for you and all our sisters in this crappy position.

      If there is some way that I can support you better, please, let me know… I’m always willing and eager to learn how to better serve.

      I love you <3 🙂 and I want only your highest and best….truly.

      • Before I read past the second paragraph I wanted to respond to my stupid analogy which started out having a point but eventually went astray. LOL!!
        Hmmm.. Let’s see.. I guess I’ll explain it in emotions. When I began reading your post I was surprised, touched and honored. Then I felt proud of you. I felt exilerated and empowered and inpired. I was like, “you go girl!” I felt supportive, (driving right along side you) Then I began to become confused, I was like, “wait… what??” And although I felt I knew a teensy bit more about you, your conclusion was still shocking, because I feel the result will ultimately end up in a crash and burn. Now I feel worried.

        So, when I was talking about the car racing analogy, I should have just left out the word racing because what I really meant was, you and I are not racing, but we are in two different vehicals, driving right along side each other, accelerating and decelerating in the decisions we choose to make every single day. This is what’s so terrifying about being in these types of relationships especially these types of marriages…

        • I get it now. LOL…that makes much more sense.

          I feel so blessed to have you in my life…really. And I know that your concern is simply evidence of the fact that you care. And so, truly, I am so grateful for that.

          I assure you though, there is no need to worry… I know that that is a very hard thing to believe, given the circumstances, but really, Really, REALLY…. I mean it.

          Starting with the third post in my series on gaslighting, I’l be sharing some things that I’ve been learning about, that have completely, totally, unequivocally, 100% , changed my entire perspective. And, when my perspective changed, the way the situation affects me also changed. Just like that, something clicked, and shifted…and BAM! I was a different person than I had been just 5 minutes before. It was the most incredible thing.

          Of course, I realize that talk is cheap, so I will do my best to reflect the changes that I’m feeling, in my writing from now on, and also give an accurate account of what I’m doing and what is going on… and that way, you can see (or read) for yourself, that truly, there is no need to worry.

          I also give you my word that;
          #1- Nothing I do, and no choices that I make, personally, will affect the level of support I want to show you. So, if there is any way I can serve you/serve you better, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I want to help as many women involved with narcissists, as possible. Including (especially? 😉 you!

          #2- I also give my word that, at any moment in time, should the situation regress, or revert, back to the place where I was feeling unendurable pain, on a daily (hell, even weekly, or monthly) basis, I will abort my project here- IMMEDIATELY. No excuses. No rationalizations. No blah, blah, blah. If there is not a continuous and consistent forward movement in progress, I will extract myself, and my children. I promise.

          For right now, though, I’m happy. As in, truly HAPPY! And not because of anything my husband is doing, or not doing, or because of anything, really, except that I’ve come to realize exactly WHY all this has happened to me, and WHY I’ve gone through the things I have, and WHY I’m still here.

          Whether we know it, or not…or whether we believe it, or not….EVERYTHING here, in our life experience, is here FOR us…to help us grow at the fastest rate of evolution.

          I’ve learned some things that I think will really help other women, in this situation… (I especially hope that what I’ve learned can help you feel better….) That is my whole goal.

          As long as it isn’t hurting me to stay- then I’m staying…not only because I have this crazy dream of curing a narcissist…but more so because, by staying, I’m learning a lot of great things that I truly believe would help a lot of women out there, if they knew….

          I hope I’ve helped to soothe your worry and make you feel as though you have not lost anything from me…friendship, support, attention, love, or anything else. I also hope that you will keep an open mind, and maybe, after reading some of the “new” posts I will be writing, that you might be willing to be okay with this choice that I’ve made, for now.

          Much love to you <3

You know you want to say something. Go on....

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