I guess it’s time to write this post. The title was the last line of an email I recently wrote to a friend. She responded by saying it sounded like the title to a blog post. And so, being the big believer in signs, and messages, and such, that I am…here it is. The post I’ve been terrified to write, but didn’t know it.
I didn’t know that I was afraid to write this post, until today. Oh sure, I knew that I was afraid to share my true thoughts on certain things, for fear of the inevitable judgment and ridicule that I could possibly face, because of it. But I didn’t realize exactly how truly terrified I was, until now. Until my fingers are shaking on the keys, as I try to type this out.
I have no idea why…it’s not like so many people read my blog anyway. It’s not like anything I write really matters, right?
Today, I had some pretty damn life-altering epiphanies. Like the kind that rock your world, and afterwards, well… you know that you, and your life, will never be the same. What kind of epiphanies are we talking here? Hmm, well, for starters, I’d say they were the kind that motivated me to write the following text to my narcissist husband:
“I’m so sick and tired of your self-sabotaging behavior, sabotaging MY LIFE, TOO! From now on, you fuck up your own life…NOT MINE! I’m tired of trying to save a man, who just wants to drown. [I’ll be damned if you take me down with you!]
I love you, but I do NOT have to let you destroy me, in order to prove it! And I’m NOT going to. I’ve allowed far more than enough misery into my life, and into the lives of my children, already. From now on, you get NO REACTIONS from me. You get NOTHING!. You hear me?
You want my love? My attention? My affection? My kindness and my caring? Then you’ll have to figure out how to be a MAN who is WORTHY of that. You truly want to heal, and get better?! Then YOU will have to be the proactive one. YOU will have to ask for it. I’m not chasing you anymore. [You can go to Hell, if you want…but you’re going alone!]
And if you fuck with me again… If you try to pull some nasty shit, to try to hurt me, I will drop you so fast your head will spin. [and we both know YOU need ME, not the other way around, so DO NOT test me.] I do NOT deserve to be mistreated. I deserve a husband who LOVES me, and CHERISHES me, and PROTECTS me… NOT some angry child who has to beat** at me to get his kicks.
It’s high time I started respecting myself, and loving myself, enough to not let you do this shit to me. Obviously you do NOT care enough about me, or have the ability to love me enough, to do better by me on your own. So, I WILL DO BETTER BY ME. End of story.
(** not physically beat at me…not that that makes it any better)
So yeah, there was that…don’t know where that came from, but… hey- I’m glad it came.
Another epiphany: My life situation was inevitable. Given that I had enough exposure to narcissistic and borderline personalities, growing up….well, is it any wonder that I fell in love with the man I did? And, I’ve come to realize that there is a reason that I’ve resisted being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder… a diagnosis I’ve had pushed on me since I was probably 16, or so? I never bought into it though. I knew that diagnosis was wrong. Couldn’t tell you how, at the time, but I just had a “knowing”…and that was good enough for me. Though, it was a pretty handy label, for all the people around me, to use when they wanted to try to bully me into doing something that I felt was not right. “It’s your bipolar. You aren’t capable of making good choices.”
Did no one think to question whether my erratic behavior was, JUST MAYBE, due to being in one abusive situation after another? Don’t people tend to act kinda crazy, when they’re being “crazy-made”? Wouldn’t a normal person become quite depressed, as a result of having consistent love constantly withheld from them? OF COURSE!
But…apparently not me. I’m the exception to the rule. My teenage angst, and experimentation, had to be the product of my bipolar disorder, right? It couldn’t have been the result of trauma, or anything? I’m not flesh and bone human being enough to be traumatized….I must be bipolar.
What a bunch of fucking shit.
Now, I’m not saying I’m totally healthy-minded, and normal. I’ve got bats in my belfry, I’m sure…but they aren’t bipolar bats- that’s all I’m saying. As a matter-of-fact, I wonder if it’s possible for someone to develop more than one personality disorder, yet still be a compassionate, and empathetic person? Is that crazy? Anyway- that’s a whole other can of worms.
Back to today-
I’m driving in my van- on my way to get some Oreo McFlurry, because… YUM! (I even had my box of waffle cones in the car, just waiting for the ice-cream transfer. Dear God, SO DELICIOUS!)… and it hits me… all of a sudden, every question I’ve ever had about myself was answered… I UNDERSTOOD MYSELF.
This thing…it was so deep… and, in my core, I knew I had tripped over something so fundamental about myself.
I’m not yet ready to write about it just yet, but I can say this… All at once, I understood that I was all things that I struggled with, in this life, and yet, I was also none of those things. I was opposite them…and embodied them.
I am an impossibility.
Do I sound like a narcissist yet? Good. I probably am one….then again, probably not.
What I am…. HA! I have no words…I have all the words…
I looked at the clock, on my super-awesome mini-van, and do you know what time it was? Do you? Do you??
Do you know the significance of this? It is the time of the releasing of my inner demons… (I read once there was reference to this in the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose), but in any case…
What does all this mean? What the hell am I talking about?
What I’m trying to say is this…. I know WHY I am here. On Earth, that is…
I know WHY I was given to the family I was…..
WHY I was abused the way I was, and in the repeated nature that I was
Why I married the men I did…
I’ve known, since I was a child, that I was a healer. I’ve been healing my whole life, really…. and when I put that together with all the experiences that I’ve had, in my life…. only one conclusion is possible.
I AM here to heal…
But not just anyone…not just anything...My unique combination of upbringing, experience, personality, awareness, and current situation, could mean only thing…and that one thing became strikingly clear to me today…. and, I’ve dabbled in this thought process, for quite some time, but never truly had the courage to commit.
Today, in one moment of unbelievable clarity, coupled with the words of a friend, in an email, about “rushing in when all others would be rushing out”…I knew I was ready to do this. To fully commit to my mission, here, on this planet: To find a way to heal the narcissist, or to die trying…
…and you may ask…”Who are you, to heal the narcissist?”
To which I respond… Who am I, NOT to?