happy 2016 to you!
Did you have an amazing time, ringing in the New Year? Has 2016 started off with a bang for you? Is this going to be your best year ever? I sincerely hope that you had an awesome New Year’s celebration, and that you are ready to make this year one of joy, prosperity, and love.
As for me, well… I probably should have expected the year to get off on the wrong foot. After all, being married to a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder pretty much ensures that all potentially happy days are scratched off the calendar.
My 2016 started off with a 9 AM text message from my husband, on the very first day of the shiny new year. He had spent all night out boozing it up with his buddy, and I was super-surprised that he was even conscious at such an early hour. Then again, it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that he hadn’t gone to bed yet- most likely with some chemical help. But, whatever… back to the text.
There was a slight issue with this text I received, from my husband. The problem was his text was conspicuously auto-signed: Sweet Angel. Of course, he tried to convince me that, after a night of drinking – and God-knows-what else- he was up bright & early, and chipper, and already at his “customer’s house”. You know, he writes (already offering an obvious over-abundance of details, when usually, getting him to divulge any details of his plans or whereabouts is like pulling teeth), he’s the one I told you about.
Does your MALE customer often go by the nickname ‘Sweet Angel’? I ask.
Oh- what he meant to say was that he was using his customer’s wife’s phone. Of course, he offers up more details of her age (over 60 years old), and how she is ‘super nice’, and how I should totally come and meet this lovely couple.
I want to kill him.
He’s trying too hard, my gut said.
There was a sick feeling that came with the message from my gut. And pain in my chest, like I could literally feel every last bit of love, kindness and compassion, I had left for my husband, being violently wrung-out.
This isn’t the first time… a small voice in the back of my mind whispers to me, out of nowhere. And sadly, I can powerfully sense the truth of the voice’s statement.
Happy New Year.
He had to do this on the very first day of a brand new year? Had to defile this day of hope, and optimism? F*ck him. I hope the whore gave him herpes. And gonorrhea. And crabs.
I had such high hopes for this new year… what the hell? And seriously, why freaking TODAY? Of all the days?
I’m totally numb- maybe in shock- or denial…my brain is working overtime trying to comprehend the malice…this black malignancy that has completely infused every aspect of my life.
Maybe he’s telling the truth? Maybe he really is at a customer’s house…this early….on a national holiday….??
There’s a mess of confusion swirling in my mind, and I quickly give up trying to deal with it. I have only one clear thought coming through… More of a message from some soul-level intuition, really. I’m shocked by its message, but also, maybe… a little hopeful, too? Could the message be true? I had to lay down, and calm the nauseous feeling that was threatening to overwhelm me.
As I lay staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of how someone (who claimed to “love” you, nonetheless) could do so much, to cause you so much purposeful harm, and doing my best not to succumb to the pain of heartbreak… a calm came over me. I could almost feel a coolness floating over my skin.
I remembered the message/intuition I had received, just before I laid down to rest, and a warmth began to spread in my belly. Even though the hurt was still there, I found my mouth curving into the tiniest hint of a smile. I felt peace, for the first time in a very long while. I repeated the message, again, in my mind:
“Worry not” it said. “Now… you are free.”
~The Narcissist’s Wife