I’ve been awake all night. Literally. I have not slept yet, and it’s 8:49 AM. I tried to write, but all I managed to type was two shitty paragraphs that I ended up ‘selecting all’, and then deleting. What.the hell?? I have no idea what is going on here? Seriously! The sheer physical logic of this is incomprehensible. I don’t think it’s even possible to sit in front of a keyboard for 8 hours, and only write two freaking paragraphs- regardless of their level of shittiness. I’m boggled!
I’m stuck. I have no idea what the hell is going on…but I’m like a woolly mammoth, trapped in a tar pit. See, I’ve got ridiculous amounts of inspiration right now, it keeps coming, and coming, to me…like it’s being directly downloaded into my mind, but I can’t seem to do anything with it! Lately, I’ve been spending my days running around doing yard work, and cleaning/organizing my house, but I reach the end of the day, and it’s like I did NOTHING! Neither my house, or the yard, look like they’ve made any progress. Do you understand how frustrating that is? I have so much I REALLY NEED to do, and I can’t seem to get past the fact that my house is a mess.
OK, I’ll have to admit that, to a MUCH lesser degree, I’ve always been like this. I can’t cook in a messy kitchen. All the dishes have to be done, and the counters have to be clean, before I begin. I can’t work in a messy office. Everything has to be put away, filed, dusted, and organized perfectly, before I can sit down to work. Unfortunately, by the time i’m done cleaning, and organizing, I have no time left to do the work. I don’t know…maybe I’m self-sabotaging? I think I must be, because seriously, I truly have NO CLUE as to how these areas are all messed up, again, the very next day! Maybe I have house gnomes?
My latest self-sabotaging tool is the lawn mower. I’ve been mowing the lawn, for about 4-6 hours a day, every day, for about 3 weeks now. I have no idea why I’m doing this. Although, to be fair, I do have almost 10 acres of property, so it’s not like I’m mowing 500 sq. ft. over, and over, or anything. (Now THAT would be a bit freaky) It really does need mowing… But, regardless of my property’s square footage, I have a few extremely, massively, awesome project ideas that I’m desperately excited/anxious to get going on…
God knows I need the income, seeing as how narcissist-dads don’t really feel as though they should be held to the same standard as all other fathers, who help support their children financially. I would rather not take his money anyway. Anytime he has ever given me money, to help support our children, or pay bills, I’ve had to deal with one of the following consequences:
- Being accused of, or yelled at, for “pissing away” all of his money. Also, Mr. Money Guru feels the need to lecture me about my “irresponsible/impulsive spending habits”, and go through exactly how much money he has given me, up to the present moment, and then compare that to how much money HE has spent during the same time period. Never mind that, I had to use the money he gave me to buy all groceries,clothes for the kids (since they’d been wearing small clothing for a couple months by that point), AND I had to pay all OUR past-due bills, and debts WE owed, out of the money I allegedly “pissed away”, because for the past YEAR someone was too good to get a regular job to earn a paycheck, and so there was quite a bit of catching up to do.
- Because I am, apparently, in his mind, as dishonest as he is, anytime I’ve asked to use HIS debit card (yes, HIS, because I can’t be trusted to share a joint account, like a normal married couple), I’ve had to endure the absolutely insulting, and degrading,speech about how HE will make the payment for me. A few times, I even had the humiliating experience of asking for grocery money, only to have him ask me to list what I needed from the store, so that HE could go buy it for me. (Honestly, I’m baffled that this man is still alive. I don’t know what must have come over me!)
- Here’s the best one: When we had separated for a while, and he was renting a room somewhere two hours away from us, my husband would do this really fun little thing, where he wouldn’t call me, or the kids, and he wouldn’t answer my calls. He wouldn’t text me, or answer my texts. In fact, he took it a step further! In order to send the message that my entire existence was negligible, he wouldn’t even condescend to READ my texts. He would, literally, pretend that I did not exist. In Narc language, this is called “The Silent Treatment”. I call it Twisted Time Out. But, back to my point…I’d be barely scraping by- there were more than a couple of days when I went without dinner (or lunch, sometimes too, for that matter), because the kids would still be hungry, after their meager portion of mac-n-cheese, for the fifth night in a row, and I’d end up giving them mine. I was up to my eyeballs, and the power was about to get shut off- again- and all the while, my dear husband is out running around acting like he’s some super successful entrepreneur- recruiting “employees” for his business, so that he won’t have to do the grunt work for the one paycheck we would eventually have coming to us, for the year, and so that even that paycheck would have to be split up, to now cover the expense of an employee.
But anyway, I’d show up to wherever he was- this is the only way I could reach him, and he loved it, because by the time I showed up, I was pissed, and it made me look crazy, in the eyes of his friends/co-workers/room mates, or whoever. I’d say to him that I needed to pay the $250 power bill, or it would be shut off the next day, and we also needed food… I’d tell him that we haven’t had a decent meal in weeks. He’d hem and haw, and start with one of the above options, then hand over $140-$200. “Try to make that last more than a day this time”, he’d say. I’d point out that this wasn’t nearly enough to cover the bills and food. He’d hand over another $20, or $40, and I’d get so frustrated and humiliated by having to basically beg for the money….that I’d end up explaining to him that he can’t expect me to take care of the kids, feed them, pay the bills, and still have the $50+ in gas money to bring the kids to see him every week. I would end up yelling that, if this was all he was going to contribute, he would have to start making the trip to us, if he wanted to see the kids.
My husband, being the awesome, loving guy he is, used that as a reason to start a lovely little smear campaign against me. Telling people that I was extorting him for money, or that I wouldn’t let him see his children, unless he handed over wads of cash to me. I’ve read messages where his friends were saying things like “Don’t give her a dime. Teach her that she ought to act like a lady, and not a damn barracuda.”, and calling me “crazy succubus”. Probably because, once he got those reassuring, sympathetic responses, he wanted more of that “supply”, he went further and started telling people that I was having breakdowns and that (though it pained him to do it) he thought he was probably going to have to have me Baker Acted. (That means taken to the looney bin, by the cops, for those of you unfamiliar with that term). Yes, that was just lovely.
So, in conclusion, after this ridiculously long tangent, I’d MUCH rather make my own money and be financially independent, than have to deal with that kind of crap ever again. (Sorry for that long tangent- I guess I needed to get that out. I do feel better though…Not quite as angry about the way he treated me there. *Sigh* You know, writing really is cathartic.)
So, now you see WHY it is so damn important for me to really focus on these projects of mine…If I can do that, and make my own money- then that, my friends, spells F-R-E-E-D-O-M for me!
And, It’s not even that the project is super difficult or anything. It’s not! It’s something I genuinely enjoy doing, and am passionate about..but the damn lawn, just continues to draw me in.
Honestly, The strength of this lawn-mowing compulsion is ridiculous crazy. For example, yesterday, I felt inspired to sit and write in the afternoon, while my son was taking a nap. I got all my materials ready, and I told myself that I would absolutely NOT do ANYTHING other than WRITE. So, of course, 15 minutes later… I was on the mower. WTF?! I swear I don’t even know how I got there! This is a serious problem. I’m not accomplishing anything I want to do. It’s to the point where, at night, I don’t WANT to sleep, because I feel like I’m just wasting even more opportunity to achieve something. To be someone…
I am beyond frustrated, right now. I have had some major realizations lately, and yet, somehow, I feel more confused than ever- less effective. Unproductive. And it is honestly driving me mad. I need to get my stuff together, and get to work. I need to meditate on focus, and self-discipline. I need a plan.
I think I’ll go mow the lawn for a bit, while I think up a plan…