I know that my approach to healing the trauma of narcissistic abuse/domestic violence, and moving forward after it, isn’t exactly the norm. I promote forgiveness, and having faith. I encourage holding on to hope in the face of abuse. I don’t promote anger, hate, revenge, bashing narcissists (though, cracking jokes about their insanity is, honestly, pretty much unavoidable) or, spending years rehashing every abuse (at length) in narc forums/groups.
Many people might disagree but, I believe that our healing comes from a combination of gaining higher understanding, absolute accountability for our experience, the release of traumas past & present, and the cultivation of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance. And, I know that the ability to see things, from a positive perspective is a serious game-changer.
My heinous experience of narcissistic abuse was (and, was MEANT to be), without question, the most transformative experience of my life. While I wouldn’t wish that particular experience on anyone, and I certainly would never want to repeat it, I can still recognize what an unbelievable blessing it turned out to be, in the end.
The journey of healing after narcissistic abuse has made me stronger, wiser, and more compassionate. It taught me how to FINALLY completely love, and accept myself. I learned that I have more courage than I ever could have guessed. And, I now have a level of confidence that could only be attained by having faced my worst fears, and through overcoming every horror that was meant to destroy me. I now know… I am a warrior.
Best of all, the unimaginable pain & chaos & suffering I endured during that time of my life, became the perfect ingredients for a miracle.
See, even though, I’d been utterly annihilated… and, even though it required me to be stripped of everything I thought I knew, and believed, and took comfort in…and, even though, I had to lose what I loved most, while watching helplessly as my entire life- my entire reality- splintered, shattered, and crumbled down around me…
Even though, I was pushed to the very edge of my sanity, and far beyond my human capacity for pain… and, even though, in one moment of absolute hopelessness & unrelenting anguish, lost in a hellish nightmare I thought I’d never escape, I’d (quite literally) been brought to my knees, and very nearly put an end to it all…
It was there, in that terrible dark suffocating place, somewhere far, far below the proverbial ‘rock bottom’… having exceeded the limits of my abilities, exhausted every last reserve, having emptied out the final meager drops of my will… I stood bruised, bloodied, and broken. Bereft of words, screaming at the heavens until my throat was raw… It was right there, in that moment, my knees hit the ground. And, there was only silence.
It was there- in that deep silence that I, finally, miraculously… let go.
It was in that very moment, that I quietly surrendered what was once “Me”, and “my life”. It was in that moment, as I silently took in the total destruction of everything I once held dear, that I found a higher understanding. And, it was there, amidst the wreckage, that I found my light.
That was the moment I stopped asking, “why?!”. I already knew the answer. This was never just about me. Suddenly, I found the strength and the courage to lift my chin, and look up. And, almost as if by some ancient magic, my grief became gratitude. Helplessness changed to Hope. Despair turned to determination. Pain became passion.
I could clearly see how every moment of my life had been leading me, drawing me inexorably closer, and preparing me to survive that very moment. The moment I discovered my purpose. And, for the first time ever, I saw the path ahead. My path. And, so, I had no other choice.
I had to get back up.