I get these kinds of questions a lot:
“Isn’t there some way to make the narcissist suffer, the way I’ve suffered?”
“Isn’t there some way to make him pay?!”
“What? He gets to just walk away, while my life, my heart, my mind, and my spirit are left devastated?!?! It isn’t fair!”
For today, I’ll spare you the, ‘This life, with all its mysteries, is just too damn perfect to be fair’ speech. (Although, if you’re going to keep reading on this site, or if you plan to get involved in any of my coming-in-the-very-near-future programs, you’ll have to resign yourself to hearing it, at least, once. LOL)
Besides, I totally get it. You want to make him pay. You want him to answer for all the cruel things he’s done. You want him to be held accountable for the unbelievable damage he’s done. You want to play his game and, for once, come out the winner.
I don’t blame you. I certainly don’t judge you. And, truly, this kind of righteous anger is, most often, crucial to the healing process at first. I spent a couple of months walking along this track, myself. So, I certainly won’t tell you it’s wrong, or try to talk you out of it. What I will tell you is that I’ve got seriously good news for you…
I can help you make the narcissist pay.
And, yes… you’re going to want to pay close attention.
The first thing you’re going to need to understand is exactly what game the narcissist is playing. Obviously, if you don’t know the game, how can you ever hope to win it? You can’t. That’s self-evident.
So, what game IS the narcissist playing? It’s called the “Significance Game”. The rules of the game are super-simple. The person who can affect the other the most, is the most significant. And, the most significant person- wins!
How did the narcissist win the Significance Game?
At first, the narcissist won this game by making you believe that he was the perfect man. Your soul-mate, even. He made you fall in love with him, and swoon over his every word (or, whatever). After all, how much more significant could a person be, than to be “the love of your life”?
But, to him, it was all a show. He wasn’t actually opening himself up to you, or allowing for any real intimacy. Therefore, he became super-significant to you but, sadly, the reverse was not so true. One point for the narcissist.
Once the spell was broken, and his mask began to slip, he started to lose significance, in your eyes. You started to see his true colors and pull back. Your defenses started going up, and his ability to “sweet-talk” you was diminishing. You weren’t responding to him the way you did when you were over-the-moon in love with him.
When faced with the possibility of losing, the narcissist had to devise a different strategy. His minimal effort at romance wasn’t doing the job in getting emotional energy from you. In fact, nothing was. That is, until…. he pulled out his bag o’ abuse tactics.
(Note: This changing of strategy phase could have lasted anywhere from a day, to several months, to a year even. Every situation is a bit different.)
How does the narcissist continue to win the game?
The way the narcissist has continued to win the Significance Game, since the moment you found him out, has been through his abusive tactics. He has thrown every dirty trick at you, traumatized you, and kept you walking on eggshells to avoid more cruelty and abuse.
He is still the center of your world- albeit, in a totally backwards way. BUT, since he could still care less about you- and you’re now responding to him more powerfully than ever- another point for the narcissist.
To a narcissist, your emotional energy is all the same. Powerfully loving, or despairing, or hating…. it’s all the same to him. Energy is energy.
Every time you break down sobbing over the discovery of another secret drug-habit, or lurid affair; he wins! Every time he draws you into one of those all-night-long fights. The ones that start out being about his absolute lack of consideration for your needs, and somehow, ends up being about every mistake you’ve made since you were THREE. Every time you take the bait; he wins!
And, the narcissist would do anything to win.
This is the one, and ONLY, game the narcissist truly cares about. The only game he would give ANYTHING to win. And, I do mean anything. NOTHING is sacred. NOTHING is excluded from that. The sacred bonds of marriage are garbage to the narcissist. But, they’ll quickly become utterly disposable, if they get in the way of winning this game.
You may think to yourself, “Well, he’s always been such an amazing father to our kids. He’s really only mean to me.” That, too, goes out the window, if it means winning. He will abandon your children in three seconds flat, if it means winning the game.
I know it can be incredibly hard to believe, before it happens. But, I bet there are plenty of women who will read this article, who can testify the lengths to which the narcissist will go, to win this petty game. My husband threw away his marriage, his home, his freedom, and even his children… all in the name of “winning”.
Why does winning this game matter so much?
Because, narcissists are empty shells. They have no ‘inner-self’, like you and I do and, therefore, they have no self-concept. No self-esteem, or self-respect. They can not experience self-love. They can not self-soothe. Without an inner-self to make him feel worthy, lovable, or significant, a narcissist literally NEEDS the attention of others to prove he exists. Winning this game is the only way he can feel he matters, or even exists, in this world.
The Narcissist is always moments away from total emotional annihilation. And, so, he spends his entire life securing a steady flow of supply, to ensure that that moment never arrives. His only sense of having any control over his life comes from conning sources of supply and perpetrating his abuse. This is why the more intense your reaction is towards him, the more powerful, significant, and in control, he feels.
It is a truly sad and tragic scenario. Especially when you consider that we were only too-willing to love the narcissist unconditionally, and make him feel as though he were the king-of-the-world. The most significant of all humans. All he had to do was let us….
So, how can you finally win this sick, back-ass-wards game?
The answer should be quite obvious by now. YOU must become the more “significant” person. The one who can illicit a response from the narcissist but, is non-responsive to him. This is critical to understand because, there is ABSOLUTELY, NO OTHER WAY to beat the narcissist at his game.
Nothing else you do will matter. He won’t lose a minute of sleep over your threats, and games, and dramas. The narcissist would have to value you first, in order for that stuff to work. So, anything and everything else you try will only end up losing you your precious time, energy, and (quite possibly) sanity. That is a guarantee.
But, how do you actually become the more significant person, in practice? Well, now… I’m glad you asked.
Fair warning: the answer may seem impossible to achieve, at first. But, let me assure you; I would NOT write this article, and dangle the hope of giving the narcissist his just desserts, if it wasn’t absolutely, positively, 100% doable. And, it is.
IF… you’re willing to put in a bit of work. Are you? (The narcissist did, you know.) If you are willing… then, here’s how it’s done.
#1- Heal your trauma to make the narcissist INsignificant to you.
I know what you’re probably thinking: “Say what?!?! Oh, is that all? I thought you were going to say something really hard like, Oh I don’t know, HEAL MY TRAUMA!”
On the other hand, you might be thinking, “I wasn’t looking for some hippy, new age, bullshit. I want him to REALLY PAY. Like, in REAL LIFE. With REAL consequences….like jail, or maybe gonorrhea!!”
It’s ok. I promise. #1- This really isn’t as hard as you might think.
And, #2- This is the ONLY way to get ANY real result. It is the ONLY WAY for a narcissist to REALLY FEEL the consequence of his actions. He does NOT care about any other consequence enough to make it anywhere near as powerful.
He is the vampire. Your emotional energy, positive or negative, is his blood. Grade A. Top shelf. It is what sustains him. (Hence, the term energetic vampire). The only thing that energetic vampires feel the loss of is their blood supply. By healing your own traumas, and upgrading your negative self-beliefs, you cut off his supply at the source. Completely.
Super Fabulous Bonus: Once your traumas are healed, NOTHING the narcissist does to you will have ANY effect on you, in the slightest. You’ll be completely and absolutely immune to his garbage. You will have been #Inarculated. LOL… Permanently.
But, maybe you’ve heard that trauma is incurable?
If you’ve ever been to any medical, or mental health, professional, you’ve probably heard that trauma isn’t “cureable”. At best, most people living with trauma, and post-traumatic stress disorders, are told that they can somewhat ‘manage’ their symptoms. Usually, with lifelong therapy and medication. But, that simply isn’t true.
Trauma doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Trauma can be healed. It’s as easy as connecting to your inner-self, and working with your subconscious mind to change some false beliefs that are actually making you susceptible to the narcissist’s shenanigans. How?
Well, your beliefs all have certain vibrations. Or a frequency. It goes like this:
Negative/Unhealthy/Limiting beliefs= low frequency= negative emotions/states of being (this is where the narcissist lives)
Positive/Healthy/Empowering beliefs= higher frequencies= positive emotions/states of being (a vibrational mismatch to the narcissist)
See, we all grow up accumulating beliefs that are negative and limiting. As children, we are wounded by different life events, big or small. Those events lead us believe certain things about ourselves and the world that aren’t exactly empowering. Things like I’m not worthy of love. I can’t trust anyone. I’m always to blame. This happens to everyone.
#2- Once the narcissist is INsignificant to you, you become VERY significant to him.
Kind of like playing ‘hard to get’. This kind of works the same way. See, a lot your negative beliefs, are on a similar frequency to the narcissist’s own beliefs. Therefore, you attract narcissists into your reality.
As you uncover, and then change, these beliefs you also heal the inner-wounds that caused the beliefs. You raise your frequency to a level where you no longer vibrate on a similar level to the narcissist. You are then no longer a vibrational match to the narcissist.
And, since we only attract that which matches our own frequency, the narcissist can no longer exists in your reality. He will, literally, have to go away. But, before he does, he will have to deal with some very powerful emotions, when he is no longer able to suck the energy out of you.
His worst fear- that he is insignificant- will be manifesting right before his very eyes. Since, he won’t be able to stand it, he will find somewhere else to take up space.
A side note about causing another person pain & suffering.
*I write this because of a disconcerting comment made to me from a person I was talking to about the subject.
Looking back, from where I stand now (from a place of healing), I feel a quite queasy thinking of the distress caused by realizing a person’s worst fear. So, it should be said that I don’t give you this information just so that you can torment the narcissist. Regardless of what they’ve done, they’re still human beings.
I give you this info, wrapped in the concept “making him pay” because, most often, you need that feeling to be the catalyst to your own healing… and happiness… which is my goal. I DO NOT intend for this to be some sadistic strategy used to keep the narc in your life and in constant torment.
He’d disappear soon enough anyway, and the only way to get him back would be to (guess what?) love-bomb him. Now, who does that sound like??? This is a “get in-get healed-get out” sort of strategy, that just so happens to also assist Karma in her work A BIT…. and for a SHORT WHILE. I’m NOT trying to turn any of you into sadists. Or, narcissists!
Now, back to the regularly scheduled article.
It sounds a lot like magic… but, it works!
If you’ve never been exposed to these kinds of concepts, they can seem way out-there. But, there is plenty of scientific research validating this. Plus, more- and more rigorous- studies are being conducted every day (ok, maybe not every day but, you know what I mean), and published, proving the validity of this simple truth; Your life is all about energy and frequency.
Now you can stop wasting time obsessing over everything narcissist-related. You can stop going crazy, trying to control the narcissist, or trying to get him to be accountable for his actions. None of those things are going to work anyway. I can promise you that.
The more you try all of the above, the more entangled you become with the narcissist AND, the more you vibrationally match him. No good… because, that just means that the narcissist keeps “winning”. And, guess what? He will ALWAYS be winning at YOUR expense. ALWAYS. Haven’t you had enough of that?
Aren’t YOU ready to start winning?!?!?! Then, stop doing the same things you’ve always done and, yet, continue expecting different results. That’s the very definition of insanity, you know. It’s time to try something different. Something that ACTUALLY works.
So, How do you start?
Start by recognizing that you can’t change the narcissist, or your situation with “outside actions”. You need to get to the root of the problem. And, you do that by going inside. You do it by healing the wounded parts of your inner-true-self (aka- by healing your traumas), and the beliefs you hold (because of those traumas) that keep you a match to the narcissist.
This is the ONLY thing that can release you from the unbelievable pain and despair that you’re going through. You deserve that relief. You deserve peace, and joy, and love… and all the best things. And, as it turns out, by giving yourself all the good things you deserve, you’re giving the narcissists exactly what he deserves.
Works out just perfectly, doesn’t it? (See? Told ya life was too perfect to be, what we consider, “fair”) And, no, that doesn’t count as your one encounter with that idea…. LOL
Start healing, sisters. Start thriving. Be happy and at peace. Be well.
And, as always,
Hi. I’m Story Lynne, (a.k.a. The Narcissist’s Wife). Nice to meet you. I’m the mother of 4 amazing kids, the (soon-to-be-ex) wife of a narcissist, and the author of this blog. I’m also a teacher, a healer, an intuitive empath, and Angel Card Reader.
I love fairies, angels, the color pink, anything sparkly, and Legos. (the Elves are my absolute favorites). I also love fixing cars, building shit, and shooting my bow (as in, bow and arrow).