This morning, I sit out on the porch, smoking my morning cigarette (yes, I still smoke- I’ll get to quitting eventually), and I’m watching the sun rise as a flock of geese fly overhead- honking happily, on their way to God knows where. Must be nice, I think… to just fly off, whenever you want- or need- to, huh?
I go ahead and allow myself a moment of self-pity. I don’t do it very often, so I guess it’s OK…just for a minute….really quick… and then I’ll go right back to being- I don’t know…whatever.
And you know what? If, for any reason at all, you feel like you just need to bitch and whine for a minute today- then I give you permission to go ahead and do so…BUT…There is ONE CONDITION! (you knew there would be, right?)
The ONE CONDITION is that you DO NOT judge yourself for it later. Your feelings are never wrong, and if you’re feeling sad, hopeless, frustrated, angry, enraged, hateful, resentful, spiteful, impatient, or whatever… it isn’t wrong. And you have the right to be and feel whatever the hell you want, or need to! Got it? Agreed? OK, then…go!
Today, I am frustrated that every fucking thing that I try to accomplish seems to be getting thwarted…No matter how hard I try to get things right, everyone seems to point at me and yell “You’re wrong! You suck! You can’t do anything right!” Damn it.
I get so fucking tired of this shit sometimes. I feel like I am the one person, in this whole screwed up family, that is consciously trying to be a better person, and do things correctly, and yet everyone looks at me and blames ME for not going along with the toxic, dysfunctional scripts they’ve written out for themselves. Like THEY have these issues and they just can’t bring themselves to take responsibility for their own shit, so they have to blame ME for THEIR problems.
(And hey, I have plenty of flaws. I have made LOTS AND LOTS of mistakes. But EVERY, SINGLE ONE of those mistakes was MY OWN FAULT…NOT someone else’s doing.)
Also, I’m sick and tired of feeling so freaking ineffective…like all my efforts are for nothing. I feel like I’m running and running and running, and I’m getting nowhere. Fast. Do you ever feel like that?
My kids are all pissed at me, because I haven’t yet perfected my safe escape plan from my narcissist. They understand that we live with a toxic person, but they don’t understand why we can’t just pick up and go. They don’t understand that we have to have money to pay new bills, in a new place, and buy food with money that the narcissist will NOT just willingly hand over in the form of a monthly child support check.
They don’t understand that I will be responsible for EVERYTHING, AT ALL TIMES, once we get away, and so I have to be prepared to do that, or there will be much bigger problems, and more dangerous threats, to our safety and unity.
*sigh* what can I do?
You wanna know something? Even though I’m having this shitty morning today, do you know what I’m also thinking? (and here is something that might help you, too, if you happen to be having a shitty morning, as well) I’m thinking…
“How is this helping me?”
The fact of the matter is… I AM a being of faith. I am rooted in that unshakable faith, and I know that EVERYTHING here- no matter how seemingly “bad”, or “dastardly”- is here to help me. So… that begs the question…how is all this crap helping me?
How is this frustration helping me? How are these feelings of inadequacy helping me?
Well, I know that when people are healing… they tend to spew venom and judgement and just plain old meanness… so perhaps I can be thankful that everyone around me seems to be healing. That’s definitely a good thing.
And since I know that everything in my life is going to work out wonderfully… (that belief is just a given once you start living from higher consciousness)… then I suppose that all this bullshit must be here to help me see, or understand something… maybe I’m being inconvenienced and frustrated, for a higher purpose.
As my favorite spiritual teacher, Matt Khan, says…
“When the entire universe seems to conspire to frustrate you, perhaps it’s to show you how ‘flexible’ intends you to be.”
So, perhaps, I’m being shown just how flexible I can be. Or I’m being reminded that I’m not allowing myself to see all the options that are available to me.
Matt also says that everything happens for a reason…but never the reason you think. And you’ll never know the reason, so let it go, and just know that everything is going to work out beautifully- even if we never understand it.
I guess the whole point is…whatever I’m feeling, thinking, doing…is right. And whatever is here, frustrating the hell out of me, is here to help me just the same. Furthermore, in the end, everything is going to work out for my ultimate good, and highest evolution, so I don’t need to dwell on this shit.
I know that, at the very least, if I’m feeling something negative, I am healing that emotion. (We feel what we’re healing). So, I can be happy that I’m healing so much frustration, and irritation, out of my unconscious…because then, I won’t have to keep experiencing it anymore. That’s fantastic. Yay me!
And, if you’re feeling shitty, or hopeless, or frustrated, or mad, or you’re throwing yourself a spectacular pity-party… be thankful! DO NOT negatively judge yourself, for feeling negative emotions (I know spiritual people tend to do that) because, you are healing those emotions, and those emotions along with the accompanying experiences that brought them up, are only there to HELP YOU.
When you can accept that simple fact…things start to get a whole lot easier, and these shitty days just don’t come up so often.
I’ve decided that November is Self-Care month, for my blog. And I’m focusing on writing about all the different ways we can honor ourselves, and love ourselves, and…
*Light Bulb Goes On*
I just realized how this shitty morning is helping me! HA HA HA
Honestly, I’ve just been typing words, willy-nilly, hoping that eventually something I wrote would make sense, and now it finally has come together in my mind.
As convoluted and confusing as this whole post is- I guess the message is this: We all have shitty days. We all have days where we feel like dog poo, and like nothing we do matters, or is getting us anywhere- and like all our efforts, and trials and tribulations are for naught…
We also judge ourselves for having these days. For not tending to our children properly on those days, because we are just so caught up in our own misery, that we end up falling asleep at night berating ourselves for another spectacular failure in parenting, or whatever.
Well, my message to you today is to STOP IT!
Stop criticizing yourself. You’re perfect! Love yourself enough to know that no one BEHAVES perfectly all the time, and THAT’S OK! Love yourself enough to allow yourself to be perfectly imperfect.
Have faith, beautiful sisters, that everything will work out fine…because it will. And, not through our own toiling and effort, but because that is the grand scheme of things.
Love yourself enough to allow moments of resentment, and frowny faces, and be grateful for the healing of those unpleasant emotions. You are miraculous, and you don’t even know it. That’s how amazing you are.
I don’t even know that I’m making sense, and this is probably the worst blog post I’ve ever written…but you know what? Today, I’m going to be OK with that. I’ve been feeling sick all morning, emotionally and physically, and I’m going to give myself some slack.
I’m going to let the people who are pissed at me just be pissed at me. That’s their journey- not mine. And if they have to believe that I’m angry or resentful, or am holding a grudge for some imagined misbehavior, then fine… I’ll give them space to do that, too. Obviously, they are experiencing some pretty deep healing themselves. (as is evidenced by their shit attitudes).
I want to encourage you to love yourself enough to allow whatever comes up inside of you to be loved. Even if it’s “negative”. Just love it. Love you. Love the people causing you frustration- they’re helping you… somehow.
Love the situations that are causing pain and suffering- it’s helping you.
Love the part of you that resents people for insisting that you feel things that you really don’t feel (my particular challenge for today).
Love your shitty mood.
Love soothes everything, heals everything, IS everything… so just love yourself, and be gentle with yourself. You’re doing an amazing job- just being you.
You are an incredible human being, and you are so valuable, and important to so many people. And that’s without even trying!
I’m going to go ahead and bring this mess of a blog post to a close, with one last thought- also by my favorite spiritual teacher, Matt Khan:
“You are responsible for every blessing you have ever received. And, you are NOT the cause of anything that has ever caused you pain.”
I Love You,
~The Narcissist’s Wife
P.S. I’m not even going to try to go back and edit this mess- ha ha ha. I’ll just commit to writing a better post next time 🙂