Murder by Suicide- The Perfect Crime

Murder by Suicide… This is a real thing, rarely talked about. But, it is serious… and can be lethal. It happens when an abuser uses all manner of psychological, and emotional, persuasion tactics to push the victim to commit suicide. Sometimes, it’s referred to as simply “being bullied to death”. But, the fact of the matter is… it is far more sinister than that.

I can remember, during the worst time in my marriage, the abuse had escalated to an all-time high. I was sleep-deprived, emotionally raw, and my health was in a serious and rapid state of decline. My body was in permanent survival mode. And, that is when my ex began, what I now call, “The Suicide Campaign”.

At this point, I’d already been in the relationship for around 7 years…maybe closer to 8 (My ability to reference an exact time-line is pretty much non-existent). I had already been worn down quite a bit. I was always on edge. Panicky. Depressed. Isolated. Miserable.

The gaslighting had become almost constant. Then, one day, my ex started making new kinds of comments. Subtly, at first. So subtly, in fact, that I can’t seem to remember when he first started doing it. Thinking back, I now wonder how long had my ex been slipping in these lethal little suggestions, before I consciously noticed them?

They were little remarks… about my depressed mood, or my “mental disorders”. Repeated concerns for my “mental stability” and, his rising fear that I might harm myself one day. Just like any other form of abuse, it started off subtle… a off-handed remark here and there…but, rather quickly, it started to seem as though these topics became the center of every conversation. Then, things escalated even more.

My ex would behave in the cruelest ways… for days on end. I tried so hard to ignore it, or deal with his behavior productively… the very definition of “an effort in futility”. Not to mention, the more I resisted reacting to his abuse- the more he would go to extremes to hurt me. But, the moment I broke down- the moment I simply could not take one more moment of it- he would begin an Oscar-worthy performance of shock, concern and devotion.

He would act as though my “sudden, out of blue” pain was disturbing. He would pretend that the previous days of cruelty NEVER HAPPEND… as though they were a figment of my troubled mind. He‘d sit by my bedside, now the very picture of a ”loving & devoted husband“, talking to me in a way that clearly demonstrated he was “afraid I might try to hurt myself”.

The hints, and the implications, that he would repeat to me, again and again, all had ONE clear message: “You are crazy. You want to die.“

And, I almost believed him.

I later found out that, during these times (when I’d been mostly sleeping, or crying in bed), he had always managed to text a family member or friend. The texts were all pretty much the same. The gist: “I don’t know what to do. My wife is going completely crazy. She‘s scaring me but, I don’t know what she might do if I leave her alone.”

And, it was only when I discovered those texts that the fullness of what he was doing hit me. Like a ton of bricks. While I always knew my ex was never expressing any real care, or concern, I chalked it all up to his usually gaslighting. I can’t pretend that my blood didn’t turn a little cold when I finally put it all together… that his little remarks, and comments… those perfectly timed texts to friends….

He had been giving me instructions. And, creating his alibi.

Hi. I’m Story Lynne, (a.k.a. The Narcissist’s Wife). Nice to meet you. I’m the mother of 4 amazing kids, the (soon-to-be-ex) wife of a narcissist, and the author of this blog. I’m also a teacher, a healer, an intuitive empath, and Angel Card Reader.
I love fairies, angels, the color pink, anything sparkly, and Legos. (the Elves are my absolute favorites). I also love fixing cars, building shit, and shooting my bow (as in, bow and arrow).

6 thoughts on “Murder by Suicide- The Perfect Crime

  • Anonymous

    I wasn’t in a relationship with a Narc but I worked with 2 of them. The boss was a Gaslighter constantly but the worst was the co-worker, she “acted” like we were a couple and I am naive to some and dense to others depends who you ask. I will stick with naive. so we were good friends, visited each others homes, went out for drinks after work,shared lunch buying days etc. well it all went to shit when she tried to kiss me and I wouldn’t let her. after that the name calling (which with hindsight was happening very subtly but often, but less insidious compared), the bullying, the stomping,slamming and bitchiness etc. But even that wasn’t “really” bad until we went on the holiday already paid for. it was like living with a Jekyl and Hyde, don’t sit there, don’t touch anything, don’t breath. move or do anything without my permission thing. then it was I bought you a gift, I am making you a special meal, we are going out for a lovely walk. well I am still trying to heal and some days are worse than others. (worked for nearly a year and a half with her and hol was for 2 weeks). really “funny” thing was she text and said I had traumatised her and she needed a proper hol and she only invited me cos she felt sorry for me.

    • Wow! Thank you so much. I’m deeply honored that you would think of me… and, so glad to know that you gained something from what I write. It’s always my hope that the words I write will resonate with others, offering them the opportunity to see that their worst experiences can be transformed into their greatest achievements. And all that is required is the right perspective, a little time, and a whole lot of love.

      Again, thank you for your nomination.
      ~ Story Lynne (The Narcissist’s Wife)

  • My ex did exactly the same thing. In the end, he wasn’t even the slightest bit subtle. He’d get a boot-full of alcohol and start screaming at me that I was ‘f…ing’ psycho, or crazy, or a nutjob. He always added, ‘just like my last wife.’ Or things like, ‘I’ve done it again, I’ve married a f…ing psycho!’ He’d go on and on, interspersing his tirades with ‘but I LOVE you!’ ‘You’re crazy and I’m the well-calibrated one…but I REALLY love you!’ It was shocking abuse and he was definitely driving me over the edge. And the most chilling thing? His first wife really did kill herself. And I am quite convinced I know exactly why. I’ll be you do too.

    • It truly is a harrowing experience. And, too often, as was the case with the ex-wife, the outcome is tragic. The worst of it is… what do we do? This is an insidious, and sadistic, kind of malice. And, it leaves virtually no evidence. No protection, or recourse. 😕

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