My Own Personal Brand of Insanity-Addiction

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At midnight, I stared at God

Arms spread wide

Heart-broken-open  to receive the stars
My night-soaked skin humming
With inspired conceit

Black holes and nebulas

My voice and lungs

And a heady potion 

Of arrogance & naïveté 

Consumed me 
I longed to cut away his darkness

Sever his toxic supply 

His air… stolen from my lungs 

Left me breathless, destitute…

and hot for him….

Always
My emptiness cried out for his
My righteousness thrived on his neglect

Kept running- lungs burning- muscles aching

Into his poison flames

Branding my soul

With righteous suffering
My naïveté lived terrified of his abandonment

Unaware he’d never been mine

He’d never been

To begin with 

He’d only possessed me
My arrogance rose to up meet him

I’d could match him

Challenge him

Force him
Surely, I would break him

Love him

Fix him

Save him
My own pain

In compassion’s clothing 

Sought to find peace with him

Release in him

Unconditional atonement through him
Ah, ignorance 

What blissful torment

A pair of star-crossed lovers

For sure 

Hi. I'm Story Lynne, (a.k.a. The Narcissist's Wife). Nice to meet you. I'm the mother of 4 amazing kids, the (soon-to-be-ex) wife of a narcissist, and the author of this blog. I'm also a teacher, a healer, an intuitive empath, and Angel Card Reader. I love fairies, angels, the color pink, anything sparkly, and Legos. (the Elves are my absolute favorites). I also love fixing cars, building shit, and shooting my bow (as in, bow and arrow).

4 Comments

  • Crystal

    This is so astute & beautiful…
    Together 13 years & counting. Once again finding myself our sole support as I am an RN & he a pothead charmer who claims chronic pain as inability to sustain a job despite being brilliant writer, able to fix & complete any manual labor, a talented artist…to name a few but has no motivation to commit to anything but random classes.
    And like yourself, & many others, I take my meds to stay positive, pray, & love by hope, live in hope, & know I’m FOS for believing I will ever be provided for our loved beyond what puts the food on the table.
    The worst is the realty that he admits I’m better off but I can’t seem to go. I do love him. I have faith all can be healed. He’s committed to Christ but doesn’t love my in that way of a biblical marriage- even my parents know it, HIS parents know it & thank me for loving him thru it.
    I’m torn. On Marijuana he IS a loving & kind soul…it’s as though it erases his narc tendencies. He says he hates himself off it….& I do too bc that is when the dark clouds is there. Jekyll & Hyde.
    I die inside at this choice I make again&again to “love him anyway”.
    I stand up when he has been cruel to myself or others. I call him out on his tantrums, gas lighting, & behaviors & I feel fortunate that sometimes, he over years, has become more receptive to it. Apologizes. Seems funny to be amazed by a genuine apology. I know this beast I’m dealing with.
    I’ve no doubt I am worthy of more, but I wrestle with the guilt of his demise if I leave. Enabling is a big problem for nurses, Christians, anyone raised to have an inordinate amount of compassion. We are taught to love through it all.

    I’m proud of the women you are& the strength you have. It reminds me I could have that too when I’m ready.
    Thank you for your blog. It gives me peace.

    HUGS.

    • The Narcissis's Wife

      I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your comment. It was hiding in my ridiculously overstuffed ok, fine…my totally neglected) inbox, and I just stumbled over it today.

      First, I want to say thank you so much for your support, praise and encouragement. I’m so grateful to be able to help my sisters out there, in some small way.

      Secondly, be gentle with yourself in regards to your decision to stay with your husband. Divorcing a narcissist (or even just separating/leaving one) is NOT the magic bullet so many others out there claim it to be. I finally separated from my narcissist husband, about 4 months ago, and I will tell you what… It’s a whole new level of crazy that I’m dealing with now. Honestly, I’m not sure these past few months haven’t been worse than when we were together!

      I know I did the right thing, and I know I won’t go back to him this time. I’m absolutely, positively, 100% done with his abuse. But, leaving him didn’t miraculously heal the trauma I suffered. Nor, did our separation do a whole lot to separate me from his harassment, intimidation, stalking, threatening, or the rest of his general fuckery.

      If, and/or when, the time is right for you (and you can ensure your safety), you can make a safe plan to escape. Until then, take care of you. Love you. And beware mistaking codependent behavior (I use that term loosely) for compassion. It’s a very common thing we all tend to do.

      Real love and compassion recognizes that we as spiritual beings, being one with all that is, can not do harm to another living being without harming ourselves in the process. It is not an act of love, or compassion, to allow your husband to disrespect and abuse you. By enabling their abuse, we allow these fucked up men (whom we love) to do harm to their own spirit, in the process.

      True compassion loves the other person enough to not allow them to do harm to themselves, through their acts of abuse against us. True Love creates and enforces boundaries of steel, so that both souls are (at least somewhat) relieved of the pain and trauma that narcissistic abuse inflicts on the unfortunate participants.

      This was one of my biggest personal lessons learned through my marriage to a narcissist. I can either be a victim/martyr, or I can stand in my power, and call forth the strength I need to genuinely stand up for myself in healthy ways, and in ways that won’t cause more harm or, simply serve to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

      It was a long, rough, uncomfortable lesson… But, the payoff has been far beyond worth it. Sending you love and peace, Sister.

      ❤️~ The Narcissist’s Wife

  • Lookingup

    OMGoodness. You couldn’t of capture that any better!!!! I’ve been having a few hard days. Lots of anxiety and the silent treatment again. I thought I had it under control but I got sucked in again and now I’m hurting again. I’m trying to not let him get to me. I don’t drink but these past two nights I needed it to stop my anxiety. My cousin from Italy (who I never met) is arriving any minute now and I need to be good for him. He is staying with my parents but I’m his tour guide for the next 10 days. Thank God for the distraction.

    • Thank you for the lovely compliment.

      I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time lately. It happens to us all, from time to time. The important thing is not to judge yourself. Honoring how you feel is just as important as it is to own how you feel.

      I’m going to share a little secret with you. It’s one of the most powerful exercises you can do, when you find yourself having some of those “bad days”. This is an exercise straight out of my (almost completed) program for healing from abuse & trauma.

      Try this:

      1. Write down what you feel & why you are feeling that way

      2. Look at the feelings you’ve written, and tell yourself; “As a human being, I respect my very human emotions, and my right to feel them. It’s ok to feel how how I feel. Feelings are never wrong.”

      3. Next, look at the reasons you wrote for WHY you feel the way you feel, and realize (this is the hard part), that those are simply stories you made up to justify your feelings.

      What I mean by that is: By saying, “He did this, and it makes me feel that”, you are saying that your husband’s behavior is causing your feelings. And, on the surface, it may appear that way. But, it’s not the truth.

      The truth is our feelings are caused by the “stories” we unconsciously, and habitually, tell ourselves ABOUT another person’s behavior, that causes our feelings.

      For example; If the guy who bagged your groceries at the supermarket were giving you the silent treatment, would you feel the same as when your husband does it? No, of course not.

      Why is that? Because the “stories” you tell yourself, about WHY those two men are doing what they’re doing, are radically different.

      In the case of the guy who bags your groceries, you have a very healthy level of detachment. You can easily understand that, whatever the reason he is giving you the silent treatment, it obviously has nothing to with you. That’s something wrong with him, and his manners, or upbringing, or personal life, or values (or whatever). You don’t take it personally.

      In the case of your husband, you are feeling terribly hurt because you’re not owning your feelings, and you are (unintentionally, and totally unconsciously, of course) making up stories about why HIS behavior means anything at all in regard to YOU.

      You might tell yourself;
      – He’s giving me the silent treatment because I’m obviously worthless to him.
      – How could he treat me as though I don’t exist? Doesn’t he care about me at all?
      – I can’t believe he could be so cruel. I’m noting but disposable property to him. I don’t matter at all.

      Any of those sound vaguely familiar?

      Know what they all have in common? They all suggest that, somehow- for some strange reason- HIS behavior is a reflection of your worth, or your value, as a human being, a woman, a wife, etc.

      But, as we can see from the example of the grocery store guy, nothing could be further from the truth! Both men are exhibiting the same behavior- behavior that is COMPLETELY their responsibility, and a reflection of how much they value THEMSELVES.

      What gets us all tangled up is not taking responsibility for our own feelings. Blaming our husbands for making us feel bad, and this, just willingly handing over all of our power to them!

      Now, here comes the good part…..

      4. Look at yourself in the mirror….look yourself right in the eyes, and say to yourself; “It’s ok to feel whatever you feel. It’s not wrong. And, I choose to own my feelings. I choose to take full responsibility for feeling the way I do. I acknowledge that, while my husband’s behavior may be appalling, it’s the lies I’ve unknowingly told myself ABOUT his behavior, that ultimately have made me feel bad.”

      Now take a nice, deep healing breath, and with all the authority and defiance you can muster look yourself in the eyes and say….

      “NO ONE chooses how I feel, but me. NO ONE has the power to “make me” feel anything. ONLY I get to choose how I feel. Period. Only I have that power. From now on, I decide how I want to feel…NOT my husband…or his behavior. His behavior is HIS responsibility, and completely separate from me.”

      Doesn’t that feel great? Don’t you feel more powerful already?!

      (5-A) Lastly…(well, there’s a lot more, but a whole book won’t fit down here- LOL) remind yourself that everything in this life is here for our benefit, and our highest growth/evolution. Know that, even if for the life of you, you couldn’t possibly see how this man’s insanity is supposedly helping you… God/The Universe/Whatever name you personally use, is an unconditionally loving presence, and He/She/It doesn’t make mistakes.

      Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that even your husband’s shitty behavior is here to help you grow, and evolve, and expand into a more loving, and enlightened being. A more powerful you.

      Simply acknowledge this to yourself. “I may not understand exactly how, or why, but I have faith that everything is ultimately here for my highest good. Knowing that, I can now choose to feel differently about my husband’s behavior. Or, I can choose to acknowledge that I have nothing to do with his behavior, and decide to feel nothing at all about it. It’s up to me. That power is mine, and only mine.”

      (5-B) Now, simply chose how you would prefer to be feeling right now. And, go do something for yourself, to help you get into that feeling… And stay there. ✨😁✨

      Let the magic happen….LOL

      I hope the above helps you, and empowers you, as much as it has done for me. This one realization alone, seriously, changed my whole world around.

      There’s still hope- ❤️

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