So… about a week or so before I found the courage to break the cycle of abuse, and end my decade-long marriage, my husband claimed to have been hired at a new job. He had to travel to a nearby city for a week, in order to attend a training intensive for the job. but managed to to be late on his very first day, showing up unprepared, and without the company uniform. Of course, he blamed his mother for this failure. First, for not providing what he needed for his first, big day… Even though he was perfectly capable of preparing himself, and instead chose to spend the days before his first day of training hanging out with a friend and getting drunk…. Or high. Who know? Then secondly, for her refusing to drive two hours or so, round-trip, to deliver the things he needed.
Says him, the boss was understanding. Gave him one day to get his shit together. Apparently, Mommy Dearest came through, and brought him a gas card, a laptop, his uniform, and took him out for a haircut. Of course, he was “forced to sleep in the car” since he didn’t have money for a room at the hotel where they were training. Poor thing. In actual reality, he had to sleep in the car because he had worn out his welcome at every other place he could have possibly stayed. But that’s neither here nor there.
So I hear from him, maybe once a day- for the first few days- of course, it’s only because he wants to swing by to get something he needs or wants from me. And he shows up, talking about getting some super high-level contract that no new hire has ever received before. (Sure). And, he’s making promises to our kids about picking them up, and taking them somewhere awesome and fun. I’m livid and attempt to persuade him to cut it out with the promises, we both know, he won’t keep. After all, he isn’t the one who has to see the disappointment on the kids’s faces, when he inevitably pulls a no-call/no-show.
Well, after stopping by on Thursday night, he commits to coming by Friday evening, to drop off the van we share, so I can take the kids out over the weekend, and have the chance to get whatever errands I need done, taken care of. And that’s the last I heard of him… Until Sunday morning.
I had sent emails everyday, asking where he was, and if he would be coming to see the kids (or perhaps even call them once in a while). No response. I’m pissed beyond belief. Not only because of him being so careless and irresponsible in regards to providing security for his children to know Daddy didn’t abandon them… But also for not bringing the car back, AND for just disappearing without letting me know WHERE he is, WHOM he is staying with, OR giving me any appropriate contact information, in case I have a problem, or there’s an emergency.
I object- quite STRONGLY- to his behavior, in my emails to him and, after the last text he sent at 9AM & after a night of binge drinking, from the phone of one “Sweet Angel” (his friend’s wife, he says…yeah, right) I’m guessing he has found somewhere rather comfy to sleep after all. I’m not shy about communicating my suspicions. To me, it seems pretty damn obvious.
Finally on Sunday morning, I receive an email (if you can even call a one sentence blurb an email), saying:
I responded to your email but it didnt go through for some reason. Im sorry. Can i arrange to meet you today?”
TRANSLATION: He wants something from me. (Funny how it’s always the emails he sends to me that somehow malfunction and don’t go through…. Hmmm…. Interesting.
I write back promptly, furious that he STILL has given no explanation, whatsoever, as to where he has been, or (not to be redundant) WITH WHOM…. Telling him that the kids have been waiting for him… What the hell is he doing? I tell him we have plans so I will need a prompt response from him to schedule time for him to see his children.
Surprise, surprise! I get no response for the rest of the day. Fucking bastard.
In response to my questions as to his whereabouts, and whether or not he still has a job…or if he is coming to see his kids… I get some confabulation about how he tried to set up a meeting to see the kids twice, but I blew him off! (He has no email evidence of this, of course, to counter the several responses I sent requesting he let me know when and where..and HIS complete lack of response to them).
As to my suspicions that he has been shacking up with some slut named “Shayla” (that’s the name I gave her after finding a phone number in his phone one time- no, not while snooping, but when he asked me to find another number for him among the S’s of his contact list- simply labeled “Sh”. Shayla- especially when said in a really snotty tone- sounds like a total home wrecker. No offense to any Shayla’s out there, and not that my husband hadn’t already wrecked our home beyond repair anyway… But I digress. Back to his response to my suspicions) his response was a brilliant, narcissistic game of delusion. To quote:
“Hey. Im really sorry for not writing you back & meeting with van. I went with a friend (MALE- HETEROSEXUAL) from work to help his brother move for some much needed cash. It took much longer than anticipated. I can meet in the morning though. Will write you then.
Goodnight sweet dreams”
Oh! Well, that just explains EVERYTHING, doesn’t it? I can’t say my response email was very mature, or kindly. I wondered why he didn’t bother to give an explanation as to WHO this “heterosexual male friend” is, what his name is, and how is it that all of his friends seem to have no phone (other than their wives’ phone, apparently) that he could use for a moment to call his wife/kids, or internet connection that he could use to write back a quick email.
I read, and re-read, the email.. But the only meaning I could glean from the words was :
“Sorry, Shayla and I ended up staying in bed alllll…..day……long….. And I was too tired to drive to see my children. We’re about to go at it some more, so I’ll just deal with you guys in the morning….if I’m still conscious. Have fun thinking about that all night. I obviously will waste no time thinking of you, or your feelings… Not that I ever have before. Why would I? Ha ha ha… Sweet Dreams, Object-I’m-No-Longer-Interested-In”
My response email was a whole lot of righteous anger, and bravado I didn’t feel . To sum up, I pretty much told him he was a bad liar, and a low-life cheater, and that he was vile. I threw back in his face every, single time he ever said he “would never do that” … But then did. I ended my email by telling him, and I quote: “Go f-ck yourself. I hope she gives you gonorhea ”
Mature, I know. What do you want from me?
His last email response was a completely fabricated reality:
“I’ve done nothing to you. I’ve tried e-mailing once a day, but missed a couple. I’ve scheduled to play with kids twice & u blew me off. Last three times I see or talk to you, you are the only one saying mean things, without a break. That’s not healty for you, me & ESPECIALLY THE KIDS”
Can you believe the GAUL!?!? That he thinks he has an inch to talk about what is, or is not, healthy for the kids!!!!??!?! Spare me. And he complains that I wasn’t perky and sweet when I condescended to show up… Isn’t that just unbelievable? Ha! The sad part is… He actually expected me to be so thrilled that actually lowered himself enough to visit me and the kids, that I would be over the moon with gratitude, and praise for him. Possibly have arranged a parade… A small plaque in his honor, maybe? (Dear god, help me)
(I include the actual emails here, so you can see- and even feel- the cold, uncaring, albeit pathetically predictable responses of the narcissist. I bet that, for those of who are with a narc, the tone of these emails seems frighteningly familiar?)
Now, you might be thinking that, hey, there isn’t any real solid evidence that he’s been cheating, as of yet. He could very well be at a male friend’s house, being 100% faithful. And you’re right, that thought hasn’t escaped me. But then, here’s the rub….
He is completely content with letting me believe that he is cheating. He is perfectly satisfied to let me sit and stew and suffer….wondering… Agonizing over the whole thing. He offers no real relief of the suspicion. No explanation, no call, or contact info. He doesn’t even seem to email in a way that would suggest he is still working. As a matter of fact, I had a sneaking suspicion that he lost the job last week. He won’t confirm or deny anything.
So, as far as I’m concerned, if someone is not willing to allay your fears, or suspicions, that they are being unfaithful… If they are willing to try to hurt you by leading you to believe that they could be perpetrating the most vile betrayal a marriage could experience…well, then they’re guilty of it. Simple as that.
If you’re totally fine with leaving me to sit here and picture the most painful things a wife could have to picture about her husband (regardless of a good relationship or not), then to my mind, you’ve cheated. Your loyalty is non-existent. If I have to spend multiple nights with the vision of some other woman in bed with my husband….and my husband doesn’t show up (or even fucking call or email) to relieve those visions…. Then he may as well have done it. I’ve suffered the consequences just the same.
And what does this infidelity feel like?
It’s strange… I have no respect for this man. I wish I could erase his memory from my mind altogether. Delete the scars he branded into my very flesh, and cleanse the filth of his lies from the surface of my heart.
Yet… It still feels like someone reached down my throat, and grabbed hold of every vital organ, along with a piece of my soul, my dignity, and my self-respect, then cut me open, with the jagged pieces of my broken heart, when they pulled it all out of out me… Leaving me completely numb. And empty.
It’s humiliating… And this on the heels of finding out the truth of all the lies he’s been spreading about me… For YEARS! (Not that it’s surprising. Just shocking to hear the whole of it)
And so for days I paste on a smile, and I take the kids to the park, and the library, and I make excuses, and tell them how Daddy really misses them, and wants to see them, but has to work. And I want to vomit on the the dirty lies. It feels so so so wrong…to lie to them like that.
How will they feel when they find out the truth? That Daddy couldn’t care less about them…and this whole time I’ve been building them up to believe in him? To trust in him? How could they continue to trust me, after that? Especially when I knew all along…. It’s sick. This whole situation is sick.
But… at least, it’s over.
Ready & Willing to Admit Defeat ~The Narcissist’s (soon-to-be) Ex-Wife