The Mystery of the Narcissist & His Crazy-Bipolar Exes: SOLVED

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Today, I wanted to explain my belief in regard to one of the most standard practices in the Narcissist’s Playbook- the smearing of every former victim and painting her as a “crazy bipolar”. I think it bears discussing, seeing as how either, (a) there are a whole lot of bipolar women in the world that most of us are completely unaware of, or (b) narcissists are the unluckiest group of people I can think of, when it comes to choosing a mate.

Of course, there is a third possibility, if you’re willing to acknowledge that perhaps the narcissist isn’t being completely honest. (I know- hard to imagine, right). If you are willing to concede that none- or a very, very few- of the narcissist’s exes were actually bipolar, then the next obvious question is: If these women are NOT bipolar, or crazy, then why does just about every narcissist insist on convincing everyone he knows otherwise? And WHY do they all seem to default to “She’s bipolar”, or “She’s crazy”.

Creepy, right? Almost as if all narcs got together to come up with the rules for properly traumatizing their prey (Oops!  I meant their ‘spouse/partner’).  I know we are all pretty much familiar with the narcissist’s cycle of idealizing, devaluing, and discarding their victims, and the accompanying smear campaign that inevitably comes, in conjunction with the discard (narcissist’s are almost excruciatingly predictable). None of that is new.

But, why DO narcissists all tend to smear their exes by labeling them as mentally unstable? You can say that he does it so that no one will believe the victim’s claims of abuse, should she attempt to look to the outside world for help. You could also say that he makes his ex-victim out to be crazy to garner sympathy from his flying monkeys. Both of these explanations make perfect sense, and might very well also be true about that narcissist’s motives, but I believe that neither of those explanations really solve the mystery of how almost all narcissists seem to come up with this same “diagnosis”. My explanation can shed a little light, though, I think.

Another well-known fact about narcissists is that they are incapable of taking responsibility for themselves, their behaviors, or their thoughts and words. To the narc, admitting to a fault or flaw, would be the same as admitting that he is inept, inadequate, inferior and worthless.  ALWAYS, the cause of any misfortune, predicament, or problem, MUST come from something (or some-ONE) outside of themselves. And, in order to achieve this nearly impossible end, every narcissist worth his salt, has become adept at employing several tactics and strategies. Splitting, projection, blame-shifting, and gaslighting are all just such strategies.

So, what does this have to do with a narc’s ex being bipolar, and crazy? Ah…this is where we get to the rub. Consider that the narcissist’s intimate partner would be the one to either witness, and/or be involved in the majority of his “misadventures” and, therefore, she would be the one to most often shoulder the blame for him- though she does not usually do so willingly. The fact that the narcissist’s partner is not a willing participant to his blame game- and very often an angry, offended, and outraged participant- is the very foundation for her inevitable bipolar diagnosis.

See, imagine things are going well for the “happy couple”. The narcissist is feeling good about himself. Confident, capable, and competent. (He really does enjoy making his partner happy. It’s just that his motivation for doing so is completely selfish, in that he loves how making his mate happy makes HIM feel.) Then, something goes wrong. The narc does something inconsiderate or rude, he says something nasty, or he gets caught telling a lie…whatever. His partner is hurt by his behavior but, instead of immediately attending to her needs- asking forgiveness, showing remorse and empathy, etc.- the narcissist starts to employ all his blame-shifting tactics and strategies, so that he won’t have to face the absolute terror, and panic, that is ‘accountability’.

His refusal to take responsibility, or show the slightest hint of remorse, makes his partner frustrated. She is shocked, feels unimportant. She tries to reason, and explain and then, when that fails, she gets angry. The narcissist is relentless though. He just keeps switching from one tactic to the next, and as he does this, she becomes more and more distressed- being subjected to all manner of mind-fucking. Her survival response has kicked in. She is completely emotionally flooded. Hysterical.

The narcissist has won.

Now the narcissist feels punished, victimized, helpless and incompetent. Wrong. Like he can’t do anything right. This alleviates the intense shame he feels in the face of impending accountability. And since he does not have the capacity to fathom the possibility that just maybe HIS behavior/actions/words might have had something to do with the reaction he is getting from his partner, he creates a delusion in which he is a helpless victim, and his partner must be “crazy”,or “bipolar”, for acting out so irrationally all of a sudden.

In his mind, his partner’s behaviors and moods are completely independent of him. She is simply either acting nice, and making him feel as though he is on top of the world, or she is feeling miserable and making him feel small. And since he can’t admit the connection between his neglect and abuse towards her, and her distressed/angry/depressed state, her fluctuating moods can only be one thing…she is crazy-bipolar.

Thus she is diagnosed.

 

Have you been “diagnosed”, by a narcissist, as having bipolar disorder? How did you cope with your new disease?(LOL)

I Love You
~The Narcissist’s Wife

Hi. I’m Story Lynne, (a.k.a. The Narcissist’s Wife). Nice to meet you. I’m the mother of 4 amazing kids, the (soon-to-be-ex) wife of a narcissist, and the author of this blog. I’m also a teacher, a healer, an intuitive empath, and Angel Card Reader.
I love fairies, angels, the color pink, anything sparkly, and Legos. (the Elves are my absolute favorites). I also love fixing cars, building shit, and shooting my bow (as in, bow and arrow).

11 Comments

  • Terry

    I left my narcissist 2 weeks ago but i cant completely go no contact. I know im gonna get hurt again. I thought i was stronger than i am . im 50 and we were together for 12 yrs. I had to leave my dog which i had for 13 yrs. We were not married. And he will take care of cosmo my dog. WHY CANT I LET GO!!!??? Never been completely on my own and health problems and barely making it financially. PLEASR HELP

    • I’m sorry to hear you’re in such a terrible situation. My best advice to you would be to start doing the inner work to heal the trauma from Narcissistic Abuse. Everything starts to change once you can be accountable for your own choices, and your own future. And life becomes damn near miraculousnce we learn to truly love and accept ourselves, all things included. You have to go deep and work on changing your subconscious beliefs… then, you’ll find that he has absolutely no power over you at all, whatsoever… and that- is a beautiful thing.

  • Ranna

    OMG, I feel like we were married to the same man! I too was labelled “bipolar” by my ex but he also had a wonderful tool in his arsenal, one of his flying monkeys was a phsycologist who had her degree for 5min and was only too happy to validate my exes claims. As such I had no chance and not only lost my marriage, my home, my job and my friends, but also lost my brother to whom I had always been close.
    Years on and my ex has discarded his flying monkeys as they were no longer useful. I cut them off and dropped off the radar so the fun was over.
    Like you explained, ALL his exes were either crazy or bipolar and his family even validated his delusional claims.
    Having a label like that is like having a criminal record. People don’t forget and it follows you. I still have one of his followers stalk me and try and to smear my reputation at any given opportunity and the “bipolar” diagnosis is always her “go to” to obtain the desired affect. I am convinced this woman actually has phsycopathic tendencies.
    Thanks for the article, you put into words my exact thoughts.
    All the best
    Ranna

    • I’m so sorry that this happened to you. And still continues to haunt you. Narcissist’s behaviors are all so similar, it’s like they all read the same playbook and follow it to the ‘T’.

      Is there no way to get this stalker woman out of your life? Could you maybe get a restraining order? Or perhaps, ask a lawyer to draft an official-looking letter that warns her to cease & desist with her slandering, or you will file a lawsuit against her, for defamation of character, since labeling someone as mentally ill (especially “bipolar”) without a VERIFIABLE DIAGNOSIS is, in fact, severely damaging to a person’s reputation and could lose you work, jobs, friends, homes, apartments, and who knows what other opportunities, as a result.

      Other than the smearing, how are you doing, since leaving the relationship?

      Thanks for stopping by and reading my post. And thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I love hearing what you have to say (it helps give me more ideas on what to write about). It just makes my day 🙂

      • Ranna

        Hi again,

        Thanks for the reply. With regards to my stalker, she operates covertly. She is very sneaky, sly full of jealousy and hate, so it’s a matter of what you know and what you can prove.

        As for how I’m doing, my life has only improved and continues to do so since leaving my ex narc husband. My ex narc still lives a life of turmoil no thanks to all the “crazy” or “bipolar” women he has to deal with on a regular basis (cue eye roll), and seems to continually be in a state of “narcissistic injury” so I’m told.
        I’m happy to say Karma is working her magic there.
        My life is getting better all the time and started to improve the minute I cut the ex narc and his “groupies” out of my life. Of all my life experiences, this one has scarred the most and although I have moved on, the scars will remain forever. Every now and then I catch myself getting angry at the heinous treatment I was subjected to and those who cheered him on, then I just remind myself that this was just the universe taking the garbage out of my life at a point when I was powerless to do it myself. I learnt so much at that time, including the fact of what I thought I had in a brother was just an imposter pretending to be my brother and willing to contribute to my demise at any given opportunity. He still socialises with my ex and thinks he is just a great bloke!
        One satisfying thought I have is that my ex and his groupies will always have turmoil in their lives while ever they agree to take part in his theatrical performance – that’s a given! My life on the other hand, just keeps getting better and better.
        I love the fact you have written about your personal experience, there seems to be a lot of information on traits of a narcissist or how to recover from one, but nothing about personal experiences which contribute greatly to the understanding of just how bent and twisted these people are, that out mistreatment was not unique, that others have experienced similar heinous acts committed on us.
        I’m happy to give you an account of some of what I was subjected to for your blog if that helps?
        Take care and thank you
        Ranna

        • Thank you for sharing and I’d love to hear anything you’d like to share. I’m honored that you would consider doing so.

          I definitely think sharing personal experience is greatly comforting when we are trying to figure out what is happening to us and how to cope with it.

          After cutting ties, though, I do think it’s important to really focus on healing ourselves, and learning to forgive the narc- so that we can end the suffering we feel and move on.

          I truly and absolutely believe that the narcissist’s were meant to come into our lives, to show us where we still were in need of healing.ourselves. I think that the story of the narcissist and his victim is a very complicated thing …
          but…
          I also believe that our entire universe is made of Love…the pure light love-energy of the Divine Source/God/Creator/Whatever name you call it…and therefore, nothing inn it can be anything other than love.

          I know it probably sounds crazy but, I believe there is a lot more to this narc dynamic than meets the eye. Something deeper and more vital than we could have ever realized. We just never saw it, or even thought to look at it as such, because the only information we were ever given was hopeless, powerless, lost cause type stuff.

          But, I’m totally rambling, now… forgive me. I’m glad that you were able to move forward with your life, and live joyfully- not letting the harrowing experience shatter your faith in life as a whole.

          I hope you check out my free course, “How to Forgive” (or, maybe Forgiveness 101…haven’t decided yet-LOL) once I publish it. It could help you to release whatever left over anger, trauma, grief, etc. that may have not been fully released already.

          With so much love,
          ~The Narcissist’s Wife

  • Lookup

    OMG..I can remember as far back as 20 years ago sitting in front of the Doctor and my husband telling him “she is bipolar”. My doctor said “she is depressed but by no means is she bipolar”. Thru the years he kept saying im the crazy one because I see the shrink. It would make me go even more crazy when he use to say that. But at the time what did I know. Now of course that I know how he is, I refuse anytime he mention it. I simply say “you are the crazy one”. Now I stop fighting with him. I refuse to start any arguments. I just do what I want. I defuse defuse. Change subject. Just like you would a two year old when they are having their tantrums. It’s been peaceful since I’ve taken this route. I think of one of Dr Phil’s famous quotes “do you want to be happy or do you want to be right”. I no longer need him to acknowledge that I’m right. Thus less fighting.

    • Good for you. Fighting them is the LAST thing you want to do. As long as he can get you to react to him, he feels like he is winning. Even if it’s anger, depression, crying, laughing…it doesn’t matter. If you have a reaction he believes that he was the all-powerful one who caused it. It gives him a real big sense of control.

      The key is to ONLY reactive appropriately pleased when he is doing something kind, considerate, respectful, etc.
      Everything else gets no reaction.Only a “I really don’t have time for petty arguments/manipulation/gaslighting/lying/etc. I’m more than willing to discuss this when you’re calm and ready to speak to me with the respect I deserve. Now, excuse me, but I have things to do (Or I have to go to the store/the bathroom/play with the kids/whatever)”…. then, turn and walk away…
      That has the most profound effect because he’s not getting ANY reaction from you other than a mature, self-respecting one. And he will learn pretty fast that if you are intent on treating yourself with respect, then he ill have to do so too in order to get anything from you.

      OH- and NO “I’m sorry, but I don’t have time….etc.” That’s one thing that I’ve had to work on….not apologizing for EVERY little thing…like excusing myself from a immature, or abusive conversation. LOL

      • Lookup

        AGAIN, thank you so much for your advice. I’m having problems acknowledging his good deeds. It’s hard when they are far and few. I sometimes can’t mustard enough energy to say thank you. But I will work on it. No other reaction from me though. And yes he will RESPECT me from now on. I did tell him the other day that I had no time to talk and I walked away. I was so proud of myself. KEEP POSTING!!! You have no idea how much this is helping me. EVERYNIGHT IM ON THIS BLOG. ❌⭕️❌⭕️

        • I can’t tell you how proud of you I am! Good job standing up for yourself! I’m so glad that you’re seeing/feeling positive results. I’m almost ready to publish the first couple of courses from my newly announced Earth Angel Academy (I’m so excited!!) and I hope you’ll check them out. They’re free courses and, I hope, they will bring you lots more positive change and much deserved relief.

          With a heart that’s just about full-to-bursting,
          ~The Narcissist’s Wife

          Just remember that ‘respect’ is a two way street…regardless of whether, or not, he deserves it. You show as much respect as you can muster- not because he’s earned it but, because YOU are a respectful, decent human being- and you aren’t going to let ANYONE’S behavior (especially not his) change who you are at your core. He doesn’t get to have that kind of power and control over you.

          Besides, by doing this, you might just be surprised (or even shocked & amazed) at what results you get. (I know I was-LOL)

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