From the beginning, I knew my husband was “flawed”. I knew he wasn’t the nicest guy. He was a very jealous man. Possessive. Misogynistic. The kind of man who liked to tell his woman what she could, or could not, wear- and what did, and did not, make her look like a slut.
Unlike a lot of narcissists, my husband was never able to convince me that he was the love of my life, or my soulmate. Actually, he never even really tried to. We never had a “honeymoon period”. Not to say that there wasn’t a major deception involved in cementing our relationship. There was. It just wasn’t the usual love-bombing variety. I don’t know- maybe he knew that he couldn’t pull off that one, so he aimed for something far more believable:
My narcissist’s deception was that he wanted to be good.
His father is a mean, and angry man. A narcissist, too…I’d be willing to bet. Maybe even psychopathic, if some of the stories I’ve heard are true. My husband would tell me how bad things were for him, growing up. His father was severely abusive- both emotionally and physically. His mother abandoned him, and his siblings, when he was 13.
Is it any wonder he created a False Self to survive that?
In the beginning, my husband used to tell me how his biggest fear in life, was that he would end up just like his father. He was terrified of it… and I was convinced that he meant it. He would look me in the eye, and tell me how badly he wanted to be a good husband and father someday. That it was his lifelong dream to have children of his own, so he could love them the way his father never loved him.
And I bought it… hook, line, and sinker. I truly believed that he was telling the truth. After all, in the beginning, he would even respond to feedback. For example, he was pretty verbally abusive. And, while he didn’t just believe every word I said to that effect, he was open to counseling. And once the counselor pointed out that the way he was treating me was verbally abusive, he apologized to me, and then stopped the abusive talk. Right away.
So, yeah, he had me fooled BIG TIME!
As I think back now, it occurs to me that perhaps being called out on his verbal abuse, and being forced to change his tactics, was a rather grievous insult. Perhaps he has been punishing me ever since, for bringing to light that major “flaw”. That would make a lot of sense, seeing as how since then, he has neglected to change any other abusive behaviors.
If it is true, that he has been exacting his revenge for my unforgivable transgression, then I can assure you that the severity of the punishment has far, FAR outweighed that of the “crime”.
I’ve endured his condescension and criticism. I’ve suffered through the silent treatment, the gaslighting, and the almost constant rejection. I’ve dealt with his sarcasm, and snarky comments. I’ve even withstood the lying, and the devaluation, and the degradation… I have cried myself to sleep more times than I can count.
I’ve run myself down- trying to take care of the kids, the house, the animals, the homeschooling, and the yard… ALL while running my own business, and watching my husband lay around the house, in his bathrobe, all day watching every T.V. series Netflix has to offer.
I’ve been humiliated and betrayed. I’ve been lied to and smeared. And, when I tried to reach out for help, or warn innocent people of the very real damage my husband can do… I’ve been shamed, and hated.
My narcissist has triggered and traumatized me. Dehumanized and objectified me.
A narcissist puts you up on a pedestal- just so he can push you off & blame you for the fall.
I have survived eight years, in a marriage, completely void of any real love or intimacy. A marriage that, over time, turned me into a raw, insecure, paranoid, hyper-sensitive wreck… and sometimes, much worse.
My husband never took responsibility for a damn thing he did. In his mind, every act of cruelty was justified. Yet, through it all, I continuously practiced forgiveness, and my unconditional love was freely flowing…his affection came with a price, though…and the cost, my friends, was too high.
“P.S. Your husband cheats on you when he’s here.”
This seriously CAN’T BE my life…
And just like that…. I had reached my limit. My patience, and tolerance, had completely run out. It was gone. Vanished. And what was left inside of me was a burning pit of righteous anger.
I had finally had enough.
This asshole was going down.
Every sin my husband had ever committed against me was fresh in my mind, and now, come Hell or high water, that man was going to account for every, single, fucking one.
When I confronted him about the text, he was all denial. When I didn’t immediately trust his word, he changed to snarky comments, and sarcasm. No comfort. No soothing. Just a defensive “Believe whatever you want”.
As I take a moment, and look back over the past eight years of my marriage, I realize exactly how many times I’d been in that very same situation. Abandoned in my time of greatest need.
Why do I allow this? At what point did I repress the woman inside of me, who knew her worth, and who- in that same situation- would have kicked the narc’s ass out of the car for responding so rudely & insensitively to my distress, then would have put pedal to metal, drove off, and never looked back?
When did I start to accept it as OK, for the man who claimed to “love” me, to treat me like garbage? I can’t remember how, or when, it happened… but one thing I did know- for sure- was that it was time for that bullshit to end. It was time for me to start setting some boundaries, and enforcing them. Not like before, with ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’, and ‘It’s OK that you messed up…again’. This time, I enforce with steel.
The narcissist is done with his head games…he is about to meet his greatest opponent. A woman who’s heart he has broken too many times. A woman who, from this moment on, will stand in the light of her truth.
It breaks my heart that it has to come to this. But so be it. It can be no other way. This coward will not destroy me. On way or another, I will heal from this. I will find a way to get my self back.
There now remains only two possible outcomes to this tragic story. The man will heal, or he will run in fear of the truth…either way, I will soon be free…
My punishment is now over.