THE WORST THING You Could Say to a Narcissist’s Wife.

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As victims of narcissistic abuse, we are so often judged, criticized, and shamed for being in the situation we are in… as if we somehow deserved it, or maybe “asked for it”…

 
It irritates me so much, when I hear people- people, who have NEVER been anywhere CLOSE to being abused by a narcissist, or psychopath- just flippantly spit out the words “Just leave him”… “Just leave him”….”Just leave him”…. like some really screwed up, oblivious parrot. If it was SO EASY…we would have!
If someone you know is facing narcissistic or psychopathic abuse, THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING you could do is roll your eyes, or shrug your shoulders, or even give her that ‘I pity you’ look, as you place a gentle hand on her shoulder,  say “Just leave him, you deserve much better.”- like it’s so fucking easy!
People, victims of domestic violence- whether physical, mental, emotional, sexual, or spiritual- are NOT STUPID! Neither are we gluttons for punishment. I’ll say this one more time, just in case someone in the back missed it…
WE DO NOT LIKE THE ABUSE!!! 
One of the most disgusting thing I have ever heard, uttered from the mouth of a human being, in regard to another living soul, is: “Well, she stays with him…she must like being treated that way.”
Now, I’m not necessarily prone to outbursts of rage (of course, my 14-year-old daughter might disagree though, as she has likely never seen actual rage, but that’s a whole other topic), but when I heard that utter nonsense, I wanted to start growing bulging muscles and turning green (like the Hulk reference?) It made me so mad. Especially considering that these comments come mostly from people who have been fortunate enough to have never experienced abuse in their lives.
If you know someone who is being abused, then you need to understand that she desperately needs validation, support, and encouragement. She does NOT need another person to tell her to “just leave”. So, the next time you think about saying something, to someone in an abusive relationship…PLEASE, consider these facts:
 
  1. About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence
  2. Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended.
  3. A woman is more likely to be killed by a male partner (or former partner) than any other person.
  4. Women of all races are equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.
  5. On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or partners in this country every day.
  6. On average, a woman will attempt to leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.
  7. Many of these women have C-PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding, peptide addiction, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and a host of other physical & emotional illnesses & disorders due to being subjected to prolonged daily abuse.
  8. Executive function is often damaged in these women, meaning their decision making processes have been compromised (this can happen as a result of PTSD)
  9. Many believe the threats, of the partner, to kill them or their children, if they leave. (Mostly, because the threats are REAL). 
  10. Many women do not have strong advocates, to validate them and offer support.

  11. Women lack support networks. They literally have nowhere to go.
  12. In some instances, the abuser is wealthy, famous, or well-respected, and the victim knows that no one will believe her.
  13. Some women are in denial of the abuse (survival tactic) and believe that the abuse would stop if they were better wives.
  14. In some cases, the children pressure their mother to stay in the relationship.
  15. Some women believe that by leaving, they are leaving their children open to punishment, or retribution, from the abuser, because they will no longer be present to stop any possible abuse. 
  16. Some women are mentally, emotionally, or physically disabled, which makes obtaining financial aid, legal aid, or any other type of resource, difficult or impossible.
  17. In TOO MANY cases, no one believes the victim. She therefore fears the consequences to herself (and her children, if she has them) if she were to attempt to leave.

  18. In many cases, the victim is isolated- perhaps even in a rural town or city- and finding resources, let alone finding suitable living conditions, is difficult.
  19. The victim may CORRECTLY asses that staying is safer as they are able to monitor the cycles of the abuser, and know when to “take cover” so to speak, in order to avoid the wrath of the abuser.
  20. Many victims spent too long attempting to cover for the abuser, or minimizing the abuse, for fear that if someone were to find out, they would lose their children. When they try to escape, they find themselves in a predicament due to shame, guilt, and exposing something they have been trying to hide for a very long time.

These are just a few of 100 reasons why women stay. BUT, in the end, the ONLY thing ANYONE needs to understand is this:

IF- WE- ARE- STILL- IN- AN- ABUSIVE- RELATIONSHIP,-
IT’S -BECAUSE- WE- HAVE- NOT- ASSESSED- THE- SITUATION- TO- BE -SAFE- ENOUGH- TO -LEAVE- YET.

Women leave the moment they see a safe escape, and not one second before that. We are human beings, and our survival instinct is strong. When we sense danger, or a threat to ourselves or our offspring, we do what we have to do to survive…even if that means staying with our abuser, and dealing with the guilt and shame of being forced to make that decision.

I really hope that helps clear things up. To be honest, I’m really tired of hearing the question “Why Does She Stay?” … it’s a sign of something wrong in our society, that we would even ask that question… when the RIGHT QUESTION- the question everyone SHOULD BE ASKING is:

“Why is he abusing her, and getting away with it?”

Next time you talk to a woman that you know, or suspect, is in an abusive relationship, maybe you could try asking her, “How can I help?” instead.

I’m just saying….

To your peace, and freedom, Sisters-
I love you
~The Narcissist’s Wife
Check out my Facebook Page, and join the Rescue Room Online Support Group for victims of narcissistic/psychopathic/domestic abuse. To join the support group, just send me a friend request HERE, and I will add you. The group is secret, to protect the identity of our members.
Or you can follow me on Twitter, too
*Sources: domesticabuseshelter.org, thehotline.org
Hi. I’m Story Lynne, (a.k.a. The Narcissist’s Wife). Nice to meet you. I’m the mother of 4 amazing kids, the (soon-to-be-ex) wife of a narcissist, and the author of this blog. I’m also a teacher, a healer, an intuitive empath, and Angel Card Reader.
I love fairies, angels, the color pink, anything sparkly, and Legos. (the Elves are my absolute favorites). I also love fixing cars, building shit, and shooting my bow (as in, bow and arrow).

You know you want to say something. Go on....

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