I know that all of you, out there, who are either in- or have been in- a relationship with a narcissist, can relate to the mind-numbing, life-sucking, soul-shriveling futility of trying to fix the narcissist. Kind of like trying to nail Jello to a tree (as they say), right? Even if you’ve got those super-firm Jello Jigglers… you’re still screwed.
All of us, we already know this. Yet, we still keep trying… don’t we? Let’s talk about why you do this.
You have most likely heard the following quote, by Carl Jung:
“What you resist persists.”
And yet, even though you know this, you still continue to resist the circumstances of your life. You struggle and stress. You complain and bemoan your bad luck. And you wonder why your situation never changes.
I’d like to edit the above quote a bit and present it to you again, in a way that applies a little more to our particular topic.
[clickandtweet handle=”” hashtag=”#ItsTimeToEndThis” related=”” layout=”” position=””]”The behaviors of the narcissist, that you keep trying to fix, will persist.”[/clickandtweet]
When you’re continuously trying to correct the narcissist… when you’re constantly trying to make him see that what he’s doing is wrong… You are in a state of MASSIVE resistance.
Of course we’re resisting, right? Why would we condone that sort of horrible, abusive behavior?
We don’t. Period.
We are not condoning abuse, or even abusive behavior. I would never even suggest such a thing. What I AM suggesting is that you need to learn to accept the situation, as it is. Please, notice that I did NOT say condone! Only accept. What’s the difference?
The difference is that, when you accept your situation, you are able to take back your power, and do something to change it. You can anchor a higher vibration for your household. What the heck does that even mean? What that means is this: You are no longer waiting for your narcissist to change & heal, so that he can turn around and rescue you. YOU now have the power to change & heal YOURSELF- to consistently work towards your own highest potential- so that the people you love, have the best chance of rising to their highest potential.
It means that YOU become your own Prince Charming. YOU are going to be your own Knight in Shining White Armour. YOU are the one who is coming to rescue you! How exactly are you going to do that? Well, while there are several steps in the process. The very first one is #Acceptance.
You MUST STOP resisting your situation. You have GOT TO STOP struggling to control all of the things (or, more likely, the people) that, in reality, you have absolutely no control over. In short- and sorry, but I’m going to have to give a little tough love here- you need to stop trying to fix the narcissist, and start looking at how you can fix yourself.
You do this, first, by accepting that your situation is what it is. Period. And, there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. At least, not directly. The only thing you can do is work on evolving, and growing yourself. Then, watch your circumstances start aligning with your new level of being.
That might mean that the people in your household rise to the occasion. It might mean that they leave. Either way, once you’ve started to live at a more evolved space, that which does not match your new reality, will fall away. And, that’s a good thing. (Actually that’s a GREAT thing!)
Matt Khan is an amazing spiritual teacher, who I absolutely adore. He gives a talk, on YouTube, about adversity where he describes how, when we find ourselves in situations that we didn’t expect, or situations that we don’t like, we tend to completely abandon ourselves. We refuse to love, and have compassion for ourselves. Instead, we look to the people around us- specifically, our love partners- to love us and have compassion for us, through thick & thin.
But, here’s the kicker: If you can’t figure out how to love yourself through adversity- if you can’t have compassion for yourself when things aren’t going your way or, when you aren’t behaving the way you think you should- how on earth can you possibly expect someone else to do those things for you?
Especially when you consider that your partner is ALSO refuse in to love himself, or have compassion for himself. He needs YOU to provide him with those things. He doesn’t know how to do that for himself. You might want to give him these things. You might try to provide him with love & acceptance & compassion.But how can you expect to be able to provide those things (in a way that is healthy & healing) for someone else, if you don’t know how to do it for yourself?? How does that make sense?
All that happens is we all walk around, making promises to each other, that we have no idea how to keep. The result is that we end up lying and disappointing each other…over and over, again. But, the good news is… disappointment is how we get our power back.
See, when we expect our partner to be there for us, through thick and thin- when, remember, this is exactly what we don’t know how to do for ourselves- we are, essentially, giving them our power. Our partner then, takes our power, and makes promises to fulfill our needs. They do this is in the hope that, if they can fulfill your needs, you will in return, do for them what they don’t know how to do for themselves. Inevitably, we just end up disappointing each other. I mean, how could we not? And, so, around and around we all go.
[clickandtweet handle=”” hashtag=”ItsTimeToEndThis” related=”” layout=”” position=””]”We just lie & disappoint, and lie & disappoint…and have anniversaries…until we die.”[/clickandtweet]
This seems like an abysmal scenario, until you realize that by being disappointed, you are given the opportunity to take back your power. You can choose to learn how to love yourself- and have compassion for yourself- regardless of your circumstances.
Once you can do that, you might then be capable of offering the same to others. Of course, since your partner will have learned from your awesome example- at least, that’s what we hope- the need for either of you to need to provide for each other, what you were (before) unable to give to yourself, becomes almost moot.
You’ve probably heard the saying, “Water finds its own level”. Well, that isn’t just true for water.
[clickandtweet handle=”” hashtag=”ItsTimeToEndThis” related=”” layout=”” position=””]”Misery may love company but, so does Joy. And Love. We attract what we are.”[/clickandtweet]
Here’s the truth of the matter: Misery can only attract the vibration of misery, or lower. Neediness can only attract neediness. More poignantly, self-rejection can only attract self-rejection. As much as you might have an severe aversion to this concept- that you may have the narcissist, in your life, because he is a vibrational match for you- it is a concept which, if you can open your mind and heart to it, could very well save more than one life. Yours, most notably.
So now, be honest… Is this hitting a sore spot with you? I hope so. Not because I want to poke at you but, because if you’re feeling something uncomfortable when reading those words, then that is a sign to you that it is something that you might want to take a closer look at. I would hazard a guess that a lot of you are probably wondering, How the hell does this crazy woman think that I am ANYTHING like the narcissist in my life?! That’s insane! I’m a nice person…with a conscience! Unlike someone I know.
Yes, that is true. You are an awesome woman. I know this. BUT… the similarities between a narcissist, and his victim, are still there. You just have to look a little more closely to see it. The aspect of your Self, which you share with the narcissist, is the aspect of not self-sourcing, and not loving your Self. I know that, too, is a touchy subject. So many of you will argue that you do love yourself. It’s not like you let the narcissist just abuse you with impunity. You fight back. You call him out. Etc. Right?
I get it… Here’s the thing, though:
“You’re still in the relationship, or suffering trauma from an ex-relationship, right?”
I doubt you’d be reading blogs about #narcissistic abuse, if you weren’t. Now, please, do NOT think- not for one, single second- that I am judging you. Or, even, that I am trying to condescend you. I only say these things because this is exactly where I was not too many months ago. I, also, thought that I was a self-loving, confident, “strong” woman. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is… I wasn’t. I just wasn’t aware of that fact.
No matter how righteous I thought I was. No matter how many times I “fought back” against my husband or, called him out on his fucked up behavior, those weren’t examples of me being self-loving, or self-sourcing. Those were examples of me trying to fix the narcissist. Those were examples of me trying to resist what was. Those were examples of me, not loving myself enough to simply STOP giving my energy to the situation.
Here’s the point: When you are TRULY ready to love yourself… when you are truly ready to be the source of your own love and acceptance… you will no longer feel the need to give your energy to the situation. You would no longer be in the relationship or, if you had to be in the relationship for whatever reason, the narcissist’s behavior would no longer have any effect on you.
You would stop trying to fix the narcissist.
Acceptance of your situation is the first step to healing your trauma, and true freedom. It’s the first step toward ending the cycle of abuse. Accept that things are the way they are. The narcissist is who he is. Period. Acceptance is acknowledging that there is nothing you need to change about anyone, or anything, in your circumstance.
Then, turn your attention to the one thing that can be changed- yourself.
How are you resisting your situation? In what ways are you still trying to fix the narcissist? Has anything good ever come from your efforts? What do you think about the ideas in this post?
~The Narcissist’s Wife