Trying to Fix the Narcissist

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I know that all of you, out there, who are either in- or have been in- a relationship with a narcissist, can relate to the mind-numbing, life-sucking, soul-shriveling futility of trying to fix the narcissist. Kind of like trying to nail Jello to a tree (as they say), right? Even if you’ve got those super-firm Jello Jigglers… you’re still screwed.

All of us, we already know this. Yet, we still keep trying… don’t we? Let’s talk about why you do this.

You have most likely heard the following quote, by Carl Jung:

“What you resist persists.”

And yet, even though you know this, you still continue to resist the circumstances of your life. You struggle and stress. You complain and bemoan your bad luck. And you wonder why your situation never changes.

I’d like to edit the above quote a bit and present it to you again, in a way that applies a little more to our particular topic.

[clickandtweet handle=”” hashtag=”” related=”” layout=”” position=””]”The behaviors of the narcissist, that you keep trying to fix, will persist.”[/clickandtweet]

When you’re continuously trying to correct the narcissist… when you’re constantly trying to make him see that what he’s doing is wrong… You are in a state of MASSIVE resistance.

Of course we’re resisting, right? Why would we condone that sort of horrible, abusive behavior?

We don’t. Period.

We are not condoning abuse, or even abusive behavior. I would never even suggest such a thing. What I AM suggesting is that you need to learn to accept the situation, as it is. Please, notice that I did NOT say condone! Only accept. What’s the difference?

The difference is that, when you accept your situation, you are able to take back your power, and do something to change it. You can anchor a higher vibration for your household. What the heck does that even mean? What that means is this: You are no longer waiting for your narcissist to change & heal, so that he can turn around and rescue you. YOU now have the power to change & heal YOURSELF- to consistently work towards your own highest potential- so that the people you love, have the best chance of rising to their highest potential.

It means that YOU become your own Prince Charming. YOU are going to be your own Knight in Shining White Armour. YOU are the one who is coming to rescue you! How exactly are you going to do that? Well, while there are several steps in the process. The very first one is .

You MUST STOP resisting your situation. You have GOT TO STOP struggling to control all of the things (or, more likely, the people) that, in reality, you have absolutely no control over. In short- and sorry, but I’m going to have to give a little tough love here- you need to stop trying to fix the narcissist, and start looking at how you can fix yourself.

You do this, first, by accepting that your situation is what it is. Period. And, there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. At least, not directly. The only thing you can do is work on evolving, and growing yourself. Then, watch your circumstances start aligning with your new level of being.

That might mean that the people in your household rise to the occasion. It might mean that they leave. Either way, once you’ve started to live at a more evolved space, that which does not match your new reality, will fall away. And, that’s a good thing.  (Actually that’s a GREAT thing!)

Matt Khan is an amazing spiritual teacher, who I absolutely adore. He gives a talk, on YouTube, about adversity where he describes how, when we find ourselves in situations that we didn’t expect, or situations that we don’t like, we tend to completely abandon ourselves. We refuse to love, and have compassion for ourselves. Instead, we look to the people around us- specifically, our love partners- to love us and have compassion for us, through thick & thin.

But, here’s the kicker: If you can’t figure out how to love yourself through adversity- if you can’t have compassion for yourself when things aren’t going your way or, when you aren’t behaving the way you think you should- how on earth can you possibly expect someone else to do those things for you?

Especially when you consider that your partner is ALSO refuse in to love himself, or have compassion for himself. He needs YOU to provide him with those things. He doesn’t know how to do that for himself. You might want to give him these things. You might try to provide him with love & acceptance & compassion.But how can you expect to be able to provide those things (in a way that is healthy & healing) for someone else, if you don’t know how to do it for yourself?? How does that make sense?

All that happens is we all walk around, making promises to each other, that we have no idea how to keep. The result is that we end up lying and disappointing each other…over and over, again. But, the good news is… disappointment is how we get our power back.

See, when we expect our partner to be there for us, through thick and thin- when, remember, this is exactly what we don’t know how to do for ourselves- we are, essentially, giving them our power. Our partner then, takes our power, and makes promises to fulfill our needs. They do this is in the hope that, if they can fulfill your needs, you will in return, do for them what they don’t know how to do for themselves. Inevitably, we just end up disappointing each other. I mean, how could we not? And, so, around and around we all go.

[clickandtweet handle=”” hashtag=”ItsTimeToEndThis” related=”” layout=”” position=””]”We just lie & disappoint, and lie & disappoint…and have anniversaries…until we die.”[/clickandtweet]

This seems like an abysmal scenario, until you realize that by being disappointed, you are given the opportunity to take back your power. You can choose to learn how to love yourself- and have compassion for yourself- regardless of your circumstances.

Once you can do that, you might then be capable of offering the same to others. Of course, since your partner will have learned from your awesome example- at least, that’s what we hope- the need for either of you to need to provide for each other, what you were (before) unable to give to yourself, becomes almost moot.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “Water finds its own level”. Well, that isn’t just true for water.

 [clickandtweet handle=”” hashtag=”ItsTimeToEndThis” related=”” layout=”” position=””]”Misery may love company but, so does Joy. And Love. We attract what we are.”[/clickandtweet]

Here’s the truth of the matter: Misery can only attract the vibration of misery, or lower. Neediness can only attract neediness. More poignantly, self-rejection can only attract self-rejection. As much as you might have an severe aversion to this concept- that you may have the narcissist, in your life, because he is a vibrational match for you- it is a concept which, if you can open your mind and heart to it, could very well save more than one life. Yours, most notably.

So now, be honest… Is this hitting a sore spot with you? I hope so. Not because I want to poke at you but, because if you’re feeling something uncomfortable when reading those words, then that is a sign to you that it is something that you might want to take a closer look at. I would hazard a guess that a lot of you are probably wondering, How the hell does this crazy woman think that I am ANYTHING like the narcissist in my life?! That’s insane! I’m a nice person…with a conscience! Unlike someone I know.

Yes, that is true. You are an awesome woman. I know this. BUT… the similarities between a narcissist, and his victim, are still there. You just have to look a little more closely to see it. The aspect of your Self, which you share with the narcissist, is the aspect of not self-sourcing, and not loving your Self. I know that, too, is a touchy subject. So many of you will argue that you do love yourself. It’s not like you let the narcissist just abuse you with impunity. You fight back. You call him out. Etc. Right?

I get it… Here’s the thing, though:

“You’re still in the relationship, or suffering trauma from an ex-relationship, right?”

I doubt you’d be reading blogs about , if you weren’t. Now, please, do NOT think- not for one, single second- that I am judging you. Or, even, that I am trying to condescend you. I only say these things because this is exactly where I was not too many months ago. I, also, thought that I was a self-loving, confident, “strong” woman. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is… I wasn’t. I just wasn’t aware of that fact.

No matter how righteous I thought I was. No matter how many times I “fought back” against my husband or, called him out on his fucked up behavior, those weren’t examples of me being self-loving, or self-sourcing. Those were examples of me trying to fix the narcissist. Those were examples of me trying to resist what was. Those were examples of me, not loving myself enough to simply STOP giving my energy to the situation.

Here’s the point: When you are TRULY ready to love yourself… when you are truly ready to be the source of your own love and acceptance… you will no longer feel the need to give your energy to the situation. You would no longer be in the relationship or, if you had to be in the relationship for whatever reason, the narcissist’s behavior would no longer have any effect on you.

You would stop trying to fix the narcissist. 

Acceptance of your situation is the first step to healing your trauma, and true freedom. It’s the first step toward ending the cycle of abuse. Accept that things are the way they are. The narcissist is who he is. Period. Acceptance is acknowledging that there is nothing you need to change about anyone, or anything, in your circumstance.

Then, turn your attention to the one thing that can be changed- yourself.

Let’s Talk!

How are you resisting your situation? In what ways are you still trying to fix the narcissist? Has anything good ever come from your efforts? What do you think about the ideas in this post?

Release resistance,
ItsTimeToEndThis
~The Narcissist’s Wife

Hi. I’m Story Lynne, (a.k.a. The Narcissist’s Wife). Nice to meet you. I’m the mother of 4 amazing kids, the (soon-to-be-ex) wife of a narcissist, and the author of this blog. I’m also a teacher, a healer, an intuitive empath, and Angel Card Reader.
I love fairies, angels, the color pink, anything sparkly, and Legos. (the Elves are my absolute favorites). I also love fixing cars, building shit, and shooting my bow (as in, bow and arrow).

18 Comments

  • Julia

    I don’t even know where to begin really. But here it goes. It maybe a bit long. Sorry.

    I’ve been with my narcissist for 2.6 yrs now. After a 21 yr marriage and 3 kids. He stoll me from. I was with him though before my marriage so I broke so many huge rules of my own getting back with him.
    So for the last 2 yrs we’ve been struggling. I felt more alone with him than not. We wouldn’t see eachother for a week or two, yet I’d walk threw that door and he’d not even glance at me. No hugging, flirting, kisses. Nothing! He’d blow in my face when I’d go in for a kiss. Now, I’m no ugly duckling here by all means. So I often would just pull away and cry… then get distant. He’d give his dog far more attention than i. Also if we were at places, he’d hug other girls… he’d leave me in the bar in the corner while I’d just be there. Other guys would be hitting on me yet he didn’t care, he said it made him feel goid to know he has a hot sexy woman. I wanted his attention. No one else’s damn it. I’m not clingy needy, I only craved the basic things that people do in a relationship. And he’d tell me, you have to be a good girl if you want that. He’d make me suffer.
    So I’d often express my feelings, praying he wouldn’t discount them this time, or just flip out on me. But every damn time he would. It go so bad that when I moved or talked in my sleep, he went into a rage. Woke the whole house up, upstairs and down. I was afraid and I don’t get scared much. It all was my fault or he had a reason why he raged like that. There was always justification for his bad behavior. His mother would always enable him, and still does. He triangulates her and I against eachother. Then she gets in my face… I stood my ground the last time though. I called him and her out on their lies. Both were stumbling… but yet, he’s still the golden one. He’s definitely got his support system there. What’s so wild is, his mom, Dad, kids all can’t stand his drinking and his ways, yet he’s got them so bewildered and scared mentally, that they just agree with him. It’s a nightmare seeing them run the way they run and then think it’s all ok.
    He’s had two DUI’S. The second one he lost his job from it. I got back together with him when he had a blow thing in his car. Honestly, I really should’ve seen that red flag flapping in my face, but his charm and bullshit overrode.
    Over the 4th of july we had a wonderful weekend. Until the end of it on the 4th. He decided to go to the bar to have cocktails instead of helping his 17 yr old son and I pack up camo. Many of us had to work so we wanted to leave early. His son even stated to me that he was driving and wanted to not drive in the dark. So, I asked his boss, which we were camping with, where he was. His boss said, oh he’s having cocktails at the bar. I said man he should be helping us. His boss looked at me and said, “I agree”. Now I dont know what clicked in my head, but I walked up to that bar and asked him, what are you doing here? He said, having a drink. I said man we could use your help. He then said in his charming little way, “I love you”. I said, don’t you tell me you love me because you don’t. I was upset. Everything was festering.
    We walked out and he freaked and ssid, we’re done. Over you made a huge scene. Omg as God is my witness, I never made a scene. I just called him out on his bs and he didn’t like it.
    Now we’re broken up. He’s made it out to be my fault. My fault I’ve done everything wrong. Nothing is ever his fault. So now I find myself saying sorry, begging for him back, not giving him the space he says he needs. Wondering why he’s dropped me like he has. Telling me I’m a “controlling freak from hell”. I got so emotional I Blasted him on fb, which I shouldn’t have done, so now he’s holding that over my head. I fed his supply. I’m trying to not answer his texts, calls but I fault short of strong. I’m gutted, I love him. But I know he only loves himself. I want to text him right now about how I’m feeling and how it hurts that he’s not caring about my feelings. I’m lost…
    This post has given me strength and pulled me outta my funk for a bit. I will reread it all if I have to everday. I’m struggling. I’m questioning myself. Am I’m really crazy. Am I the one that’s the narcissist? This post answered that. I’m speechless.
    Thank you so much for this…. I’m reading the rest….

    • The Narcissist's Wife

      I’m so glad this has helped you. I know exactly what it’s like going through all this bull, and what a relief it is to finally have an explanation for what is being done to you. Hang in there, sister…

  • Terri

    Well, things have certainly taken a strange turn, and not necessarily for the good. We, or should I say he, had a long talk Thursday evening. Appears he thinks I’m clinical…as in crazy. He’s been reading articles online about jealousy from a well known psychology publication. He’s twisting things in such a wicked way. He claims he might even be a little afraid of me. Needless to say, I’m walking on eggshells with every word I say and with every deed I do. He claims he’s going to go see a psychologist and he’s going to talk about everything…me, him, us and his sexual issues. Yes, there are many of those and he’s tried to make them my fault. He had those problems long before I unknowingly entered his sick world. Even though we married very young, he was exposed to a lot of porn in his youth. I can now see that women are objects in his mind. We’re mere bodies to be used.
    Anyway, this week I’m opening a separate account in my name only at a totally different bank. I’m getting a PO box and making a change of address. I already have my personal bills going to a new email address. Is this frightening and hard on me? You bet it is! But I have to reclaim my identity before he completely destroys me. I’m not afraid of him for my personal safety. I’m scared shitless of him in a more psychological way. He said his mind could change if I would just change…stop being emotional, not say the words I’m thinking, not act on a feeling. In other words, I’m to be seen and not heard. I’m to let him do all the thinking. LMFAO!
    So, I’m back to taking baby steps in getting out of this sick, unhealthy joke of a marriage. I have to tread carefully. He’s a vindictive man. He will use my own words against me. Anything words that come out of my mouth are said with careful consideration and complete accuracy. Not a way to live ladies.
    He’s more afraid of living alone than I am. Not too many naΓ―ve women out there these days.
    I just want to say that I’m so happy I’ve come across your blog at this junction in my life. It’s allowed me to “speak” on things that not many would understand under normal circumstances. Thank you!

    • First thing this makes me think is… I’m sorry you have to deal with this crap. Second, narcissists are usually paranoid about official people. Psychologists/Psychiatrists, police, etc., and don’t usually do anything to attract the attention of those parties. I’m assuming it’s because they’re guilty of all sorts of stuff, and really, why attract the attention of those who could interfere with their life.?

      Second..I think that today’s post can help you deal with this situation a little better, definitely. At least, I hope it will.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting! Always nice to hear your thoughts.

  • Terri

    There’s no need to fix a narcissist. They’re perfect! Yes, that’s sarcasm. My narcissistic told me last night that he’s giving me what I want…a divorce. Hmmm…I don’t recall asking for one, but since a narcissist knows what’s better for everyone, okay!
    He’s stomping around this morning like a 4 year old. I guess because there are no tears from me, there’s no pleading for another chance, no blame taking for his psychological abusive toward me.
    Amazing how upset they get when you point out there insecurities, but you have to take heed at their BS about yourself!
    I’m through being called a nut job, crazy, hyper sensitive, irrational, etc.

    Ladies, after almost 37 years of marriage to Mr. Perfect, he’s dumping me. I’d shed a tear, but those days are forever gone.
    A little history. Married at 17, he was 20. Good times, bad times. Indefinitely, on his part, the death of a child, moving away from family and friends. I adjusted. The kids adjusted. I have a great job, great benefits and am financially secure in my own right.
    Will I mourn the death of my marriage? Maybe. But it was over years ago. I’ll be ok. It’ll take time being alone physically, however emotionally, I’ve been alone many years.

    • Lookingup

      Terri. I’m sorry for your situation. Being alone has been my life for the past 25 years as well. It’s sad that we all found out so late in life. But at least we did. Right? Be happy you are finally out of an abusive relationship. At least you can enjoy a bit of your life as happy as you can make it!!!! . That is what I’m afraid of that I won’t have much time here on earth when I will be finally be free of abuse. So in the mean time. I’m doing what this blog suggest. And it’s been working for the past two months. Now that I have stopped trying to make my Narcissist normal, I feel a bit more normal. Almost like I’m free and not tied down by a huge paper weight. (not completely of course). Some days I think I have a great handle in it, then other days it’s bad and I get sucked in. I do a lot of prayers go and I’m journaling every night about my day. About how I feel and about the abusive that I refuse to accept. Good luck to all you ladies out there!!!! THENARCISSISTWIFE: another awesome blog!!! Thank you!!! I live for your blogs!!!

      • Wow! Thank you so much. I’m honored and touched that what I write has helped you. I feel guilty that I’ve been so inconsistent. But, I’m working on changing that soon, seeing as how I’ve not posted mostly because I’ve been working on a really big series of posts, plus a whole program/challenge that I’m incredibly excited to share. Believe it’s going to be a real game changer…

        Thank you again for reading and for your beautiful comments. Know that, no matter what, you’re not alone. You’ve got an untold number of sisters out there, silently rooting for you, and lending their silent support.

        Hang in there… Things will get better soon. I have a pretty damn good feeling about that πŸ˜‰

        • Lookingup

          Keep posting. Anything. Even a hello is good. Sometimes I feel so lonely inside and no one can really understand like you can.

          • Terri

            You’re absolutely right. Unless someone is in a psychologically abusive relationship, they certainly cannot relate to the pain and isolation we feel at times. People ask…why don’t you just leave? It’s a difficult question t answer. There are good days, then the hammer falls. The narcissist unleashes his insanity. Then he acts as though nothing is wrong, or even worse, you’re the guilty party. There are no more tears to cry and no feelings for him. Thankfully I’m financially independent. I’m working on being emotionally independent. A narcissist will do all he can to strip you of your identity. Remember, it’s his insecurity, not yours.

          • Lookingup

            Terri, has your divorce been finalized? Did he or has he given you problems with the divorce details? I’m afraid that it will be a major war if and when I decide to leave. My Nar is all about money so I know he won’t go without a dirty fight. Just wondering g how you handled that.

          • Terri

            We’re not even in that phase yet. I’m still living in our home. I’m in your shoes. While I have a great job and I carry the benefits, he’s all about the money as well. He owns a successful business. He tries to scare me into believing that his lawyer will see me as unstable. Yes, any little act that may do, like call him out in his bulls***, he calls it disturbing. When I verbally try to express myself, he twists my words. When I get angry or upset, he calls me a nut. Then a few days later, he thinks sex will make things better. Nope. My body is not his to use as a conscious cleanser. It’s very hard to be oneself when you’re under the magnifying glass of a narcissist.
            The most extreme thing I’ve done in our 36 years of marriage was lock him out of the house a few weeks ago. I think I’ve managed to use self control for many years. I’m not proud of my action, but I certainly don’t regret it.
            I’m trying to stay positive. Tomorrow I’m changing my beneficiary policies. He isn’t getting a damn penny of mine. I’m setting things in motion.

          • Lookingup

            Terri, you sound incredibly strong. How did you decide this was the time to divorce. I know it’s been 36 years. But emotionally you knew you could take him on? How long has it been since you realized he is a narcissist? I could see my husband doing the same thing about saying I’m unfit or the crazy one. He has already told me that I’m crazy because I’m the one seeing a doctor. The problem I have is if the abuse gets worse for me. No real physical (yet) but if it gets bad I can’t really even call the police. My husband is police in the town we live in. I feel the reports will all blame me or it will be documented as my fault. Also all the judges and lawyers he knows from being in the force for over 28 years. I’m in a very terrible situation. I’m not ready to make the move but I’m wondering if I ever will be. Is there something that you just knew this was it. Was it that he asked for the divorce that gave you the final push. I will keep you in my prayers that your matter gets dealt with in a very speedy way. πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»

          • Don’t feel guilty, or judge yourself too harshly for anything you’ve done. We don’t know what we don’t know. And we can’t use skills that we haven’t learned yet.

            Love….love….love… Yourself, the situation. Just keep radiating love quietly, without judgement, as often as you can…. This game is about to change…drastically.

          • This may sound shocking, but… Well…. I think I have realized that there is a much deeper reason we stay. Something we may not have ever been conscious of, but we felt way down deep…even if we didn’t have the words to describe it.

            Underneath it all….I think we felt a pull..a strong intuition that there was something MORE to the story that we were missing.

            As of today I believe that unknown feeling was right. Cant wait to share it with all of you, as soon as I make sure that this is the real deal…. And not some product of an over-exhausted, hallucinating mind. LOL

          • Lookingup

            Can’t wait to read it. Now thinking about it. Deep down I always thought something was wrong but I kept dismissing it. I think I didn’t want to fight and I always wanted to be the perfect wife. Perfect mother. I also have strong faith so I feel that I have to keep forgiving him.

          • I can relate to that a lot. I have stayed a long time because I kept thinking “Well, I made a vow to God!”
            But… then I realized that God doesn’t want me to allow myself to be abused. Nowhere in those vows did I say “I vow to allow you to abuse me viciously, without consequence, while I just keep smiling and forgiving.”
            Not to mention that my husband ALSO made vows…vows that he has been breaking since day one! I mean, seriously, what happened to that whole “I promise to love, honor and cherish” thing that was supposed to be the FOUNDATION of all our vows?!

            I don’t think that God ever intended for us to allow abuse… not ever. And also, forgiveness doe NOT mean that you have to keep allowing or condoning the behavior. You’re allowed to say “I recognize that you are doing the best you can, based on where you are in your journey, and I know that if you could do better, you would. So, I don’t blame or judge you for your behavior. I forgive you for what you’ve done because I recognize the light of the Divine in you, just as it is is in me. But, I love myself too much to allow you to continue to hurt me. AND, I love YOU too much, to allow you to continue to hurt me, as well. So, if you can’t stop inflicting pain, I will have to distance myself from you.”

            Boundaries are so irrationally important to these relationships. Seriously. Probably the most important thing!

          • Thank you so much. I am truly humbled.

            And, I can’t wait for you to read what I’ve got coming. I literally did not sleep for almost three days, then totally crashed, of course…

            But I had been given a revelation so completely earth-shattering, and life altering….like the earth-shaking kind…. I just….I had to start putting it all down, and testing certain parts of it….before I just start making claims or anything.

            I will say this….I am the happiest I’ve been in- I don’t even know how long- and even more than that….I’m hopeful. Not just for some mediocre resolution to my pain, and my life…..but hopeful that I’m not anywhere near done living, or loving. And that the “loving” part, is about to have far more significance than I could have ever imagined.

            I’m working on the first post to publish today. I’m exhausted, but in the best possible way. But, I want this post to go up ASAP. I hope that when all is said and done, this information brings as much joy, or more, to you and anyone else who happens to find it.

            Thanks for your support and encouragement. It keeps me going!

            With more love than I can express,
            ~The Narcissist’s Wife

    • I’m so happy for you! (What a strange thing to say to someone who s getting a divorce, huh? Only the wives of narcissists would get it I suppose…LOL)
      Good for you for seeing the poison and not falling for yet another of his endless list of tactics. And be on the lookout, narcs definitely escalate, sometimes to an extreme, if you don’t play into their games. It challenges them to get you to crack.
      Just had to deal with this from my own narcissist. And damn it, if he didn’t get me good, too. But that’s ok… We are all, always, works in progress. And, if you pay close attention how something they do is making you feel, you’ll know that there are still triggers to heal, and you will be able to take care of that before things get far more gruesome than they otherwise could have.
      Good Luck!
      Perhaps a party is in order? LOL

      Thanks for reading and the comment!

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