Valentine’s Day With A Narcissist

Valentine’s Day with a narcissist, or even without the narcissist, is a cause of dread for a lot of you. Believe me, I get it. I felt exactly the same way a year ago.

Valentine’s Day after leaving a Narcissist is a whole new experience

It’s a much, MUCH BETTER experience. I’m actually kind of looking forward to this Valentine’s Day. No, I don’t have a new man who adores me and showers me with love and affection. I’m still happily single.

I’m looking forward to the day of love this year because, it’ll be the first time in over a decade that I don’t have to worry about mind-games, getting the silent treatment, or some other crushingly disappointing event.

Bonus: I also don’t have to pretend to love some thoughtless, last-minute gift, usually dropped unceremoniously into my lap. A gift that, sadly, would only serve to prove just how little the man I called ‘husband’- the man I’d spent the last decade of my life with- really knew me.

This year, I’ve got lots of Valentines

This year, I get to celebrate Valentine’s Day with people who truly love me. My kids are my most special Valentines. And, I’ve got to tell you; since my husband left, my relationships with my children have grown closer, and more joyous and loving, than ever before.

His absence has left enough space for us all to breathe. To heal. To have moments of peace, and revelation. And, to get to know each other on a deeper level, now that we aren’t completely occupied with the constant presence of the Narc Drama-Llama.

This Valentine’s Day, I celebrate TRUE LOVE

Not the fake charm, and cheap flattery, that my husband tried to pass off as “loving me”. This year, I’m making cupcakes with my babies. I’m celebrating my amazing, true friends, who support me unconditionally. Friends who know the best, and worst, of me…. and still, love me. Just as I am.

This year, I’m celebrating YOU. And, how much you motivate and inspire me. I’m celebrating the strength you’ve given me, to keep moving forward and to keep growing.

Best of all, this Valentine’s Day, I celebrate the unconditional love I now have for myself. A deep, compassionate, forgiving love for a woman who has endured much, fallen much, fucked it up a whole lot but, kept getting back up and trying again. I celebrate love for a woman who no longer lives with, or accepts, abuse in her reality. Finally.

I wish you all True Love. Happy Valentine’s Day!

~The Narcissist’s Wife

*The following post was written on Valentine’s Day, last year.

Valentine’s Day- 2016

I’ve been dreading this day. Not only is it the national holiday celebrating romantic love, but super-awesomely enough, it’s also my wedding anniversary. (yay…joy…ugh). While with a narcissist is never really a day to look forward to- at least, not for any woman past the “idealization” phase- this year promised to be ultra-crappy for me.

At least, I though it would be…

I thought that today would be a record-breaking, shitty day… a day when I’d refuse to go out in public not wanting to be forced to witness stores full of hearts, and flowers, and candy, and men with arms full of roses & other miscellaneous love-stuff, for fear I might do something drastic. But…surprisingly enough, I don’t feel too-terrible.

I’m not dancing in the streets or anything…but, I don’t feel like going back to bed until the day is over, either. It’s not such a bad start, I figure. After all, it is my first Valentine’s Day alone- without my husband-  in eight years. So… there’s an undercurrent of loneliness to it….. which, I guess….. pretty much means  it’s no different than all the other Valentine’s Days I spent with my husband. (Imagine that)

Well, there was one exception. The year we were married. That was a really great day… but, I don’t want to think about that today. I know it was all fake, anyway. An act. Just another tactic to hook me.

Wait… ah, yes… there’s the shitty feeling. sigh Grr…

It’s been exactly 38 days since my husband told me, and the kids, that he would “be back tomorrow”. Then, he drove off to a new, secret life & home that we had no idea he had already set up for himself. No good-bye. No ‘I’m sorry we couldn’t make it work”. Not even a trite and cowardly “let’s be friends” text. Eight years of marriage. Two children. A family. All easily, and blithely, tossed in the trash with complete indifference. And, just like that, an almost decade-long story…was over.

“This is the way the world ends…
This is the way the world ends…
This is the way the world ends…

                                                        Not with a bang… but a whimper.”
-T.S. Eliot

Sure, I get a nasty phone call from him, about once every 8-10 days or so, asking if he can “drop by, in about 10/30/45 minutes, and pick the kids up for an hour and a half”, then barking his abuses, and yelling at me about his made-up reality where I refuse to let him see  “his kids” (not OUR kids- HIS kids- love that one), when I ask why he is calling at the last minute when I wrote over a dozen emails, respectfully requesting that we schedule a time to meet up (somewhere public, of course) and discuss the details of our situation… emails he, predictably, chose to completely ignore.

His act, I presume, is put on to impress, or convince, whomever his audience is that he is some bereaved father, being callously kept apart from his beloved children, by his coldhearted ex-wife. Narcissists have so much fun pretending that they are the victims of their victims. It’s all part-and-parcel of the never-ending mind-fuck that is being in a relationship with them. Interestingly enough, though, for a father who is so desperate to see his kids, he STILL has yet to respond to (or even acknowledge) a single email message from me, to set up a time to meet and discuss mutually agreeable terms for visitation & support. Strange, don’t you think?

That’s a narcissist for you.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it. So, I make a note of the shitty feeling I’m feeling this morning, and resolve to heal and release it, this afternoon, after my youngest goes down for a nap. In this way, little by little, one shitty feeling- one heartbreak- one trauma- at a time, I work on slowly, and steadily- but very surely- erasing every last trace of the narcissist I once loved…the one who did his best to destroy me but, found that his best- as always (at least, in his own mind)- wasn’t good enough.

After that, I think I’ll treat myself to a bubble bath. Maybe I’ll even brave the stores, buy the kids & myself some love-stuff, snuggle up for a feel-good movie with them, and declare today “/TRUE-Love Day”.

What will you be doing today? I hope you spend some time loving YOU, and the precious ones in your life 🙂

With True Love,
~The Narcissist’s Wife

Hi. I’m Story Lynne, (a.k.a. The Narcissist’s Wife). Nice to meet you. I’m the mother of 4 amazing kids, the (soon-to-be-ex) wife of a narcissist, and the author of this blog. I’m also a teacher, a healer, an intuitive empath, and Angel Card Reader.
I love fairies, angels, the color pink, anything sparkly, and Legos. (the Elves are my absolute favorites). I also love fixing cars, building shit, and shooting my bow (as in, bow and arrow).

8 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day With A Narcissist

  • Sandra De Giuli

    I have been with a nar for 5 years didnt realize I was with a narc till last year. I read your blog and I can so relate. Blaming me for everything. He always always had his female friends around him and that just drove me crazy. I told him it was either them or me and he would not let go of his friends. He accused me of harassing them. Yet, he accuses me of cheating and sleeping with my ex’s and male friends and being on facebook and dating sites. which I havent been on dating sites in years since I was with him. He just used me. I cant believe it. I fell hard for this man really hard. Always accusing me. I didnt want to sleep over there anymore and a huge argument again. And now he doesnt even bother anymore. So I sent him a nasty message on his voicemail and wished him dead. He is drinking himself to death anyway. And I returned his ring.

  • h dunn

    what if valentines day falls in the middle of the silent treatment? Just ignore the holiday? Its amazing that someone who’s mother gets a $2500 diamond heart pendant on valentines completely ignores me on this day he knows is special to me. Ugh. Married for 10 years and its amazing how I was fooled… He’s completely dropped the mask and I am in shock.

    • Good question… I would say that, if Valentine’s Day occurs while your Narcissist is busy giving you the silent treatment, then:

      (a) Invite some girlfriends over, have some wine, and celebrate Vagina Day, in the style of Eve Ensler… (author of the Vagina Monologues, in case you aren’t familiar with her)
      (b) Treat yourself! Do something, or go somewhere, you wouldn’t otherwise be able to do/have/go, if the narcissist was there (i.e. Basically anything that’s all about YOU.) Or,
      (c) Should you find yourself in more of a creative mood, you could spend some time “enhancing” the ingredients of his personal care products.

      All jokes aside, I’m sorry you’re in this position. God knows, all the women here can empathize with you. And, at least, now you know what is going on with him. As shocking and horrifying as it is to discover this type of thing…. I think there’s also a sense of immense relief that comes with finally understanding what’s been happening to you.

      Stay strong

    • No- he hasn’t asked for a divorce. Doesn’t think he did anything wrong! After all, I DID say that we should separate! LOL- (there’s that classic narc rationalization).
      I have three kids who live with me. They are 4, 8 & 12.

  • Linda

    Just reading this. I refused to get sad on Valentine’s Day. I took my three kids to Colony pizza and we had a great time. He was working!!! I gave all the chocolate and candy to the kids. They have always been my only valentines!!!! Oh my sisters birthday is February 14 so we spent the rest of the day with her. Had a great day!!!!! Didn’t think of him at all.

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